Ranma Ichibunnoni
by Dave Harper
Summary: A bittersweet 'What If' story about Ranma and Ranko, and everything that can go wrong when you have a Panda for a father.
1. Episode One: Two's Company, Three's a Cr...

Obligatory Legal Disclaimer: The characters, situations and just about everything else in this fanfiction are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. If I even thought about trying to claim otherwise, five thousand raging otaku would kidnap me and make me watch Sailor Moon reruns for eternity. Anything you don't like is mine, mine, all mine! Hahahaha! 

References to Sailor Moon, Maison Ikkoku, Urusei Yatsura, Project: A-ko, MythAdventures, The Princess Bride, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Star Wars, Jell-o, and any other references in this fanfic are the property of their respective copyright owners. Any use of them in this fanfic is not a challenge to their claims, but is a challenge to the reader to find them all. 

Special Thanks go to my pre-readers. Without them, this would have taken a lot longer, and probably not have been as good as it (hopefully) is now. I also wouldn't have gotten as many threats in my mailbox over episode 18. Thanks, guys. You know who you are. 

WARNING: Over the years, this fanfic has received the most conflicting responses of any story I've ever written. Most people told me how much they loved it - and how depressed they were by it. It's a fun, light-hearted romp for the first ten episodes but then it gets progressively deeper and darker as it explores the relationships of the cast. Because of the many, many e-mails I received, I later wrote an alternate ending that redeems the series and makes it into a happy ending. You'll find both ends in this collection, so feel free to choose the one you like best. 

* * * 

Ranma Ichibunnoni (Author's preferred edition) 

Episode One 

"Two's Company, Three's a Crowd." 

* * * 

"Leggo, ya old fool!" came the voice from outside the dojo. "Oh!" cried Kasumi. "We have visitors!" Nabiki and her father ran ahead enthusiastically while Kasumi and Akane lagged behind. Akane wasn't enthused at the idea of her father's old friend and his son, Ranma, coming back to marry one of them. Kasumi, for her part, never hurried for anything short of an earthquake (1). Thus the two of them were still in the hallway when their father and sister came running and screaming back inside, followed closely by a huge panda that was carrying a kicking, yelling teen on each shoulder. 

The panda stopped in front of the foursome. Nabiki shot an accusing glance at her father. "Daddy...*this* is your friend?" she demanded. 

Her father could only shake his head violently. "Nuh-uh-uh!" 

Nabiki waxed sarcastic as she spoke up again. "So this panda just happened to walk in with two screaming hostages, is that it?" Her father just shook his head again mutely. Sometimes he could be so...well, so like himself. There really wasn't a worse insult that Nabiki could think of. 

The panda seemed to make a decision and deposited the two struggling teens on the floor unceremoniously. Now that they were standing (more or less) on their own, the Tendos could see who they were. Or, more appropriately, what they were. 

The first was a boy, dressed in a Chinese-style shirt and pants. He was muscular and strong, even handsome in a way, if you liked that type. Which Akane didn't, and he was a bit young for Kasumi's tastes. Nabiki was out of the question unless he was financially independent, which was rather unlikely, judging from the looks of his clothing. Still, he *was* cute. His hair was tied back into a pig-tail, not exactly in fashion either. 

The girl next to him had long, black hair swept back behind her, falling loosely past her shoulders. She was dressed in a similar fashion to the boy next to her. The girl bore a strong resemblance to him, and it was clear they were related somehow. She was, by almost any definition of the word, pretty. If she took more care in her appearance, she'd be beautiful. Both teens were staring sullenly at the floor, which did nothing to make a good impression on their hosts, unless one happened to like young, sullen teenagers. Thankfully, neither was dripping on the floor like the panda behind them, which would have only added to their first impression - as bad as it was already. The panda was beginning to smell though, as fur does when it gets soaked and starts drying out. Akane remembered that it had been raining that morning, but it had dried up long since. Perhaps fur stayed wet for a long time. Akane vaguely wondered what she was doing worrying about damp fur when an escaped zoo animal was in her home with two unidentified trespassers who still had yet to show any signs of understanding Japanese. 

Mr. Tendo spoke up. "You...you wouldn't be..." 

The boy looked up, a sullen expression written all over his face. "I'm Ranma Saotome," he said. "Sorry about this." 

The girl next to him looked up and crossed her arms over her chest. "And I'm--" 

Mr. Tendo grabbed Ranma into his arms, hugging him. "At last!! Ranma!! Oh, it's so good of you to come!! So wonderful to finally meet you!! We've been waiting so long!!" He started crying tears of happiness. The girl who had spoken up just stood there with her mouth open. She shut it angrily and glared at Mr. Tendo. Mr. Tendo ignored her, still babbling about how happy he was, how this was such a momentous occasion, and other nonsense everyone just ignored (2). 

The Tendo girls went back to their business. After all, they knew better than anyone else how long their father could keep this tirade up for, and the panda didn't seem to be a threat any more. Nabiki started figuring out room plans, not to mention estimating how much money these new guests had on them and how best to relieve them of it quickly. Kasumi went to make tea for the visitors while Akane went over to their only other human visitor. She placed her hand on the girl's shoulder to get her attention. "Hi there. I'm Akane. You want to be friends?" She smiled. 

For the first time that day, the pretty raven-haired girl smiled. "Su...sure. I'm Ranko Saotome," she stammered back. "Is your father always like this?" 

Akane shrugged. "Just about. You get used to it. Say, you practice Kempo, right?" 

Ranko shrugged, then nodded. "A little," she responded hesitantly. 

Akane beamed. "Well then, let's have a little match!" 

Ranko stared at her for a second, then nodded. The two girls walked over to the dojo, leaving Mr. Tendo to cry over Ranma, who was beginning to show signs of asphyxiation. The panda shrugged and walked into the kitchen, hoping for a little something to eat, and perhaps a little hot water while he was at it. 

(1) Which still put her ahead of the postal service. 

(2) Which was too bad, because in between telling everybody how happy he was (for the seventeenth time) and telling his dear, departed wife how proud she would have been if she could see this day (for the eleventh time), he solved the answer to life, the universe, and everything (3), and then promptly forgot it. 

(3) Which, as we all know, is forty-two. 

* * * 

Akane stood in defensive posture in her gi (1). She looked at her opponent, the first real opponent she'd faced since her father stopped fighting her (2). Her eyes narrowed and she punched forward fiercely. 

Ranko studied her opponent warily. She didn't *seem* like much of a threat, but if living on the run had taught her anything, it was to never underestimate an opponent. She easily sidestepped Akane's punch, then held out an ankle to trip Akane on. The Tendo girl slammed into the wall. Hard. 

"HEY!" she yelled, angry. "What was *that* for?" Ranko looked at her, puzzled. Akane had challenged her, hadn't she? Admittedly, she was unclear why the youngest Tendo daughter wanted to duel with her so soon, but she was never one to back down from a challenge. She shrugged. If Akane wanted to be a poor loser, let her. She went back into a defensive stance. Akane saw her move and snarled at the girl. 

"Fine, if *that's* the way you want to play it..." she gave a kiai (3) and charged at the black-haired girl. Ranko smiled grimly and let her instincts take over. 

The fight didn't last very long. 

(1) A gi is a practice outfit worn by some martial art students. It consists of a top and pants of heavy cloth, tied with a belt. The belt color determines the rank of the practicioner in Japanese martial arts, from white through black, and then onto levels of black for masters. 

(2) He kept on crying when she beat him, so she stopped. 

(3) A kiai is a yell used to focus the mind and body, usually for a strike or blow. Kiaijutsu (the art of using kiai) is a part of many martial arts, including most styles of Kempo. The name comes from the character ki, or air/energy. 

* * * 

Akane stormed downstairs with a limp. She was bruised and battered and most definitely *not* in a very good mood. Stupid amazon! Who did she think she was, anyway? Akane slammed open the door to the bathroom and marched in. She needed to soak some of these bruises before they got too painful. She walked into the bathroom without thinking. 

Ranma sat up in the tub as he thought (1). His family avoided water as a rule, but he found it relaxing. And it was rare that the travelling Saotomes got a chance to have a long, relaxing bath. But still, it seemed awfully odd for the old man to offer him the bath...almost like they wanted to get rid of him for a while. He thought about that for a moment. Uh-oh. It sounded *exactly* like they wanted to get rid of him for a while. 

And come to think of it, Ranma wouldn't put that past his father. Or this Tendo guy; he shivered as he thought of the Tendo version of the 'neverending hug'. Man, if all the Tendos were as weird as their father, he wasn't sure he wanted to stick around at all! 

Akane shucked off her clothing, steamed. That - that demon! She still saw red when she thought of their 'little' match. No, their *fight*, she corrected herself bitterly. And she had offered to be friends with her! She scrubbed herself with the soap, perhaps harder than she had to. Then she grabbed a towel and opened the door to the bath. (2) 

Ranma shrugged. It wasn't like he had any place to go. They couldn't return home - not any more. That still stung him, more than he wanted to admit. Sometimes Ranma could just kick his father. Well, a lot of the time, actually. Oh, well. Whatever would be, would be. He decided it would be best to get a head start on finding out *what* would be, though. He stood up, dripping water, and was about to head towards the door when something exceptional happened. 

The door opened. 

This might not have been so bad, in other circumstances. A door opening is usually no cause for alarm, unless it opens by itself with blood dripping from it and ghostly voices cursing you to eternal damnation. Not that this was happening at this place and time, or for that matter, at *any* place and time that Ranma knew of. No, this was far worse. 

Akane stood nude just beyond the open door, hidden only by a towel that was too small for the task (3). 

Ranma looked at her. His eyes widened. Then he looked down at himself. Akane looked back at him. Her eyes widened, too. Then she looked down at her own body. She calmly stepped back and closed the door. Ranma blushed. What had that been about? He walked over to the door and knocked. Ranma knocking was a bit odd, considering that he was the one inside. But his life had been filled with odd things recently and he was beginning to get used to it. For Akane, it was her first taste. And she didn't like it. Not one bit. 

Akane was blushing a deep crimson and not all of it was from embarrassment. What was that pervert doing in there? It was her house, after all! Sure, Ranma was a guest, but didn't he at least have the decency to make sure others knew he was taking a bath? Besides, this was the man one of her sisters was going to marry! That thought sent new waves of emotion through her, and it wasn't joy. Joy usually didn't make her hands curl into fists. Akane wasn't very happy at the idea of one of the Tendo daughters marrying Ranma against their will. And even less enthused at having Ranko - that horrible little hellcat - as her sister-in-law. 

For that matter, having just been beaten up by Ranma's sister also made it much easier for her to get angry at him. A small part of Akane's mind whispered to her that it was *her* fault for walking in on him, after all. That just made her angrier. Akane didn't like being wrong. She took her bathrobe and put it on. 

She shivered in anger. She started to think about drowning Ranma in the bathtub. Then something stopped her. He *was* a guest. And she *had* walked in on him. With a monumental effort of will, Akane took a deep breath, trying to calm down. 

There was a knock on the inner door. Akane turned to it. She blushed again. What could she possibly say to him? There was no way she'd apologize! It was her house! But - she *had* walked in on him. She fidgeted nervously. From nowhere, she heard girlish laughter. Akane frowned. What was that? The door opened. Then the outer door burst open and Ranko ran in, laughing and sticking her tongue out behind her. 

"Nyaaah! Can't catch meeeeeEEK!!" Ranko, still looking behind her, ran into Akane. Akane fell forward. Ranma looked out of the inner door, still naked. 

"Um..." he started to say, until Akane landed in his arms, sending them both falling into the bathtub with a splash. 

"Oops," said Ranko belatedly. 

"YOU PERVERT!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Akane screamed at him as she disentangled from the naked boy. Akane reared back her hand and slapped him. Ranma put a hand to his cheek. 

Akane stormed out of the bath and into the change room, slamming the door behind her. She filled the room with her battle aura. It was like having a goddess of vengeance take on human form. Ranko grinned sheepishly at her. "Um..." started Ranko. Akane didn't wait to hear more. She grabbed the nearest heavy object and threw it at the girl. "Um..." Ranko said again just before the stool caught her in the head and she fell over backwards. 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!?" Akane screamed. 

Ranko held up her hands to ward her off. "Uh - taking a bath?" Ranko tried, from the floor. Akane threw another stool at her. Ranko scuttled out of the way 

"With Ranma in there!?" Akane yelled. 

"Sure," replied Ranko as she ducked behind a towel rack, confused. "Why not?" 

Akane stared at her in disbelief. "You...you - OHH!! I DON'T *BELIEVE* YOU!!" She prepared to kill Ranko. The inner door opened again. Akane turned to see Ranma walk in again - still naked. Of all of the nerve! As if what had already happened wasn't bad enough, now *he* was walking in on her! While he was still naked! 

"Um..." Ranma began, trying to calm Akane. For his efforts he got hit by a kitchen sink repeatedly. Vaguely, one part of him wondered where she had gotten the sink from, since this was the bathroom, not the kitchen. The rest of him was too busy trying to avoid getting hit by it to worry about logic problems. "OW! Stop that! *You're* the one who walked in on *me*!! OW!" he yelled at the long-haired girl who was now brandishing a wastebasket. The kitchen sink had broken on his hard head. 

"Yeah, but it's *my* bathroom! And you didn't bother letting anyone know you were in here!" 

"Well, how was I supposed to do that?" challenged Ranma. 

"The sign, you dope!" yelled Akane. Ranma stared at her uncomprehendingly. "The 'occupied' sign!!" she yelled at him incredulously. 

Ranma blushed a bit sheepishly. Living on the road had a few effects on your manners and social understanding like, say, reducing it to a net sum of zero. 

"Uh..." he tried again. Akane grabbed another stool - having long since discarded the wastebasket as being too fragile for her purposes - and prepared to attack again. He held up his hands to ward it off, perhaps the first intelligent thing he'd done all day (4). 

"Wait! Wait! Can I have a towel before you kill me?" Akane paused. Her face turned an ugly red as she threw a towel at him before slamming the door shut again. Ranma wasn't sure whether to be relieved or afraid. 

Akane huffed angrily. She turned to Ranko, death in her eyes. The Saotome girl wasn't there. Ranko had fled her wrath. Well, she wouldn't get away with it. Not by a long shot. Akane snarled in anger and cracked her knuckles. 

A few seconds later, there was another, tentative knock. Akane nearly boiled over. "NO! You can rot in there for all I care!!" There was silence from the other side of the door. Akane got dressed in a worse mood than before. She also noticed she was still covered in soap and washed it off with cold water. Once or twice she heard knocking again, but it subsided when she threw something at the door. Especially after some of those things went *through* the door. Akane could be very strong when she was angry. 

(1) Note to readers: This is your cue to groan. Go ahead, have a nice long groan here, sit back, and cover your face with your hands. You all know what's going to happen next. There, feel better? 

(2) Many Japanese bathing customs seem strange to Westerners at first. For one thing, the same bathwater is used by all members of the family, sometimes together (especially while young). Given this, it should hardly be surprising that the Japanese want you to be as clean as possible *before* getting into the bath! Even soap is banned from the bath itself - it's just hot water to soak in, not a place to get clean. Most Japanese bathrooms have a place outside the bath to actually clean yourself (with a shower or a bucket of water to throw over yourself) and bigger houses, like the Tendo dojo, have this section partioned off from the main bath. 

(3) Some people may be wondering why this is a worse fate than a bloody, poltergeist-haunted door. These people have either never met Akane Tendo, or they think this is a Lemon fanfic (4). It isn't, and Akane was true to form. 

(4) Making this a good day for him. 

(4) Even in a Lemon, having Akane walk in on you nude is not necessarily a Good Thing. 

* * * 

By the time Akane got back to the dining hall, the others were calmly sitting around the table. The panda was conspicuously absent, but there was a balding man in its place who hadn't been there before. Perhaps he was the panda's owner? The others seemed to be waiting for Akane's entrance for some reason. Akane looked at the place where she normally sat and found Ranko sitting there. She looked around the room angrily and realized the only spots left were next to Ranko or Akane's father. She stalked over to her father and sat down without a word. She was still furious, but she wasn't about to start another fight...now, at least. 

Ranko sheepishly smiled at her. Akane burned holes in Ranko with her gaze. Nabiki spoke up with her usual tact and diplomacy. "Wow, Akane. You're bruised all over. What happened, you get hit by a truck or something? I know a good lawyer if you want to sue." Akane turned her glare on Nabiki. Ranko sighed and opened her mouth, but Akane beat her to it. 

"This - this *demon* thought I challenged her to a duel to the death and tried to kill me!!" Ranko sighed again. It wasn't like that. Well, not *entirely* like that, she amended mentally. 

Mr. Tendo smoothly stepped in. "Well now, Akane. I'm sure the two of you will become good friends in time. Ha ha ha!" Akane glared at him. He stopped laughing and swallowed nervously. "Well, anyway, I'm glad you're back." He stopped, noticing something missing. "Where's Ranma?" 

Ranma walked into the room, still tying his belt. "I'm here, Mr. Tendo." He carefully avoided looking at Akane as he sat in the remaining spot, which was right in between Ranko and Akane. That only made Akane's glare worse. But he forgot about that with Mr. Tendo's next words. 

"We've decided that Akane is going to marry Ranma." 

"WHAT!?!" screamed Akane and Ranma simultaneously. It appeared that Ranma, too, had been left out of this decision-making process. Ranko's mouth dropped open in surprise. Mr. Saotome continued. "We held a vote and it seems like Akane's the one for you, boy! Hahaha - URK!" he said intelligently as Ranma's foot became one with his face. Akane was standing and glaring at her father. 

"You want me to marry some guy I've never met!?" she yelled. 

"Yeah!" argued Ranma. "And who'd want to marry a tomboy like her, anyway?!" 

"Who are you calling a tomboy, you pervert!" 

Ranma glared at her. "Hey! YOU walked in on *me*, remember?" 

"Yeah, but *you* were the one who didn't bother to put up the sign!" 

"Well, *you* should've knocked first!!" Genma and Soun started laughing companionably. 

"Ah, they're already a fine couple," joked Genma. At least, Ranko *hoped* he was joking. 

She stood up purposefully. "Hey, you two," she said softly, putting an arm on both Akane's and Ranma's shoulders. "Don't fight, 'kay?" Akane shrugged Ranko's arm off angrily, but Ranma just looked at her. 

Ranko turned to her father. "Pop, just how democratic was this vote, anyway? I mean, Akane and Ranma and I obviously weren't in on it..." 

Akane suddenly whirled on her with hate-filled eyes. "Yes - and *you* kept me from being here for it!!" she yelled. 

Ranko took a step backwards involuntarily. She put up her hands in defence. "Hey now - you were the one who challenged me, remem--" 

"I did *not* challenge you! I asked you to spar!!" 

"Same thing," Ranko said, looking around for escape routes in case Akane became violent again. She knew she could handle Akane, but the dojo might become a casualty if they fought indoors. And she had to live here for a while, right? 

"It is *not* the same thing!" Akane yelled back at her. 

Ranko closed her eyes for a second, then did the intelligent thing and ignored Akane completely. This flustered the Tendo girl long enough for Ranko to turn to Mr. Tendo. 

"Mr. Tendo, what about what your daughter thinks? And Ranma? Shouldn't he get a say in this?" 

Ranma cheered his sister on. "Yeah, yeah! Way to go, sis!" 

Kasumi smiled. "Mr. Saotome was just telling us about you two. I didn't realize you were twins! You certainly do look alike, though." Ranma looked at her as if she had just said 'The weather is nice, isn't it?' in the middle of World War Three (1). 

Akane resumed yelling at him. "Why are you siding with *her*?" 

Ranma was taken aback. "What, you want I should side with *you*?" 

Ranko felt a headache coming on. She quickly spoke up before the two could make things any worse. "I mean, what about time to talk to each girl, and see which one he likes best, before he gets engaged to her?" she asked hopefully. 

Ranma felt betrayed. "HEY! Whose side are you on?" he demanded. 

Ranko turned back to Ranma. "Look, Ranma-kun, I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation..." 

Akane stepped in between the two. "You call that *helping*? Now you're making me sound like a side of meat!!" 

"Well, you *are*!" said Ranma, arguably not his brightest idea. "Just like a cow, but a cow would have a better figure!" laughed Ranma. In retrospect, he would have to remember never to mention cows again around Akane. Ever. Akane grabbed the table that Soun and Genma were using to celebrate on and slammed it over his head. Hard. Ranko managed to slip away in time, knowing what damage her brother's loose tongue could do. Genma looked at his unconscious son. 

"Now *that* he had coming," he said. Nobody contradicted him. 

(1) Then again, perhaps she had, in a way. 

* * * 

Akane poured water over herself. She was just going to put tonight's incidents out of her mind, that was what she was going to do. Really. There was no need to think about that pig-headed idiot she was doomed to marry or his demonic sister. Jerks, both of them. She scrubbed herself with soap. This time, she knocked on the door first. Nobody answered, which was good for their continued existence. Akane was in the sort of mood where she might maul one of their guests, should they have happened to be stupid or unlucky enough to be inside. She opened the door and went into the bath. 

Ranko shook her head at her brother, who was lying on a mat, unconscious. Ranma had taken worse than this, and he'd been fine, no problems. Healing fast seemed to be a Saotome trait. No, it wasn't the injury that worried her. But this engagement thing... well, that was something else entirely. She shrugged. Once Pop had his mind set on something, he was next to impossible to move. She'd just have to weather it. If only her mother were there...but that wasn't possible. Not any more. She hoped Ranma could weather it, too, but she wasn't sure. And that was what worried her. 

Kasumi walked up to her. She looked up at the older girl questioningly. "Why hello there. I'm Kasumi," said Kasumi with a sweet smile. Ranko wondered how she could smile, seeing all that had happened that evening. Then again, being in a house like this probably gave you some immunity to chaos or something like that. Or maybe it was just Kasumi (1). 

"Uhh, hi, I'm Ranko," she responded wittily. 

"Would you like to take a bath?" asked Kasumi. Ranko shuddered at the thought. She had taken a rapid distaste for water, ever since...well, some things were better left unsaid. 

"Uh, no thanks," she stammered. Kasumi still smiled, but she pressed fresh towels on Ranko. 

"You've been practising, haven't you? Here, go have a bath." Ranko smiled weakly back at her and went downstairs obediently. Somehow, arguing with Kasumi wasn't even an option. Kasumi was just *too* nice. You couldn't argue with her without feeling like you were kicking a puppy. 

Kasumi walked over to Nabiki. "Nabiki? Ranko and Akane are having their bath now. Would you like to have one as well?" Nabiki tried to save money where she could, especially because it was usually her who ended up paying the heating bills for the dojo. But she shook her head this time. 

"No thanks, oneesan (2). I think I'll pass, at least until Akane cools off a little." Kasumi just smiled and went back into the kitchen. Nabiki silently admired the politeness and bravery of the girl bathing with Akane. It was akin to dining with a lion, when you were the main course. Zero points for survival value, intelligence and empathy, but ten out of ten for heroism. 

Inside, Akane was just finishing up. That dummy! Who did he think he was, calling her a cow? And that sister of his! Akane wasn't sure she could stand having the two of them in the dojo for long. Then she remembered that if her father's wishes were carried out, she'd be seeing the two of them for a *long* time. As in the rest of her life. Somehow the bath didn't seem so nice any more. Akane decided to get out early. 

Ranko scraped away at herself with the soap, but she carefully avoided the pail of cold water nearby. Instead, she looked forward to a nice, relaxing, *hot* bath. She opened the door. 

And stood face to face with Akane. A dripping wet, nude Akane. Who was slowly turning a rather unhealthy shade of purple as her eyes narrowed dangerously. The nerve of that girl! To walk in without even asking, without even knocking first, as if she took Akane's acceptance to bathe with her as a given! After she'd already barged into Akane's bath this afternoon! How dare she!? 

Ranko gave her a nervous smile. "Uh...heh...oh, hi, Akane..." 

"WHY...YOU...!! " 

The rest of the house heard Akane's scream of rage. 

(1) It was just Kasumi. 

(2) 'Oneesan' = big sister. It can also be used when talking to any older female, and is a term of respect. It can be used when talking to your own family or when talking about someone else's family. When mentioning an older sister to others, a more polite term is 'ane'. Yes, it's as confusing as it sounds. 

* * * 

Ranma looked at his father. Genma was celebrating the joining of their families with Soun. No help there. Nabiki was ignoring them both, and Kasumi was offering tea. Just great. Ranma just slumped in his seat. Some fiancee. But it wasn't like he had anywhere else to go. He sighed. 

"Buck up, son!" said Genma cheerily. "So she's got spunk! That just makes a fiancee cuter!" 

Ranma looked at his father with distaste. "Cute is *not* the word." 

Ranko sat down next to them, a freshly-made red hand print across her cheek. "So what does that make her to me, Pop?" she demanded. 

Genma gamely rallied to his daughter's rhetorical question. "Why, your sister-in-law, of course!" 

"WHAT!?" demanded both Saotome children at once. They proceeded to mutually kick their father into the pond (1). 

Akane glared at the Saotomes before turning away just in time to miss seeing Genma turn into a panda. Nabiki spoke up. "Look, you're both girls. You see girls naked all the time in school or the baths. That makes it okay, right?" Akane just glared at her. Why did Nabiki always have to miss the point? She wasn't angry because Ranko had seen her naked. Well, okay, so she was, a little. But that wasn't the point. Not at all. 

She could have said all this and more. But Akane wasn't in a talkative mood. She glared up at her sister. "Okay is *not* the word." 

The sun set over the Tendo dojo. Another day had come and gone in Nerima. 

(1) With Ranko and Ranma, this had become something of an art form. A sport, perhaps. 

End of Episode One 

Author's Note: Ranma Ichibunnoni literally means "Ranma 2/1". It's a pun on the real name of the series (Ranma Nibunnoichi, or Ranma 1/2) and also a pun on Japanese; 2/1 is a meaningless term. You can just as easily say 'ni', or 2, instead. And why would you want to make it more complicated than you have to? 

I have yet to find an honest-to-goodness Japanese person who understood what I meant when I said it, but it's easy enough to figure out each word. 'Ichi' is 1, 'Ni' 2, and 'Bun' is a mathematical term meaning 'over' when applied to fractions. It might be easier to think of it as meaning 'under' though, for us english-speakers, because Japanese grammar is what we would call backwards. Actually, from what little I've been told, it's a SOV structure (subject-object-verb) as opposed to our SVO structure. 'No' is a grammatical term that doesn't translate into english, but can be used to mean 'the' or 'of' most often. 

'Sanbun no ichi' ('san' = 3) would become "three under one" or 1/3. 'Nibun no san' would mean "two under three" or 3/2. So 'Ichibun no ni' would become "one under two", or perhaps "two over one". There's a point to that that I'm trying to make in this story, and if the word doesn't actually exist in Japanese, then maybe it should. I'd like to think it can mean something besides just 'two' - if you read it in the right frame of mind. 

Think about it. And if one person reading this now can tell me what I meant by that at the end of the series, I'll know I haven't done this for nothing. 


	2. Kuno Strikes! The Blue Thunder of Furin...

Ranma Ichibunnoni 

Episode Two 

"Kuno Strikes! The Blue Thunder of Furinken High." 

* * * 

"School?" asked Ranma blankly. 

His father pushed his glasses further back on his nose and sat languidly. For him that meant standing upside down on his head with his legs crossed in the air. "Well, we *are* going to be here for a while..." said Genma. 

"Yeah, 'cause we've got nowhere else to stay, Pop," Ranma complained as he kicked his father into the pool. 

Nabiki walked past them. "Yeah, it's the same school Akane and I go to, so I'll see you there! Ta-ta!" She left, whistling as she estimated that day's profits. Akane came rushing out after her. 

"Nabiki, wait up! I'll go with you!" She stopped when she saw Ranma in the hall. They both frowned simultaneously. 

Nabiki's voice carried to them from the yard. "What are you talking about, Akane? He's your fiance, you should walk him to school!" Akane glared at Ranma. Ranma glared back. It was going to be one of those days. 

"Well?" she asked. 

Ranma looked up. "Well, what?" 

"Well, aren't you coming?" 

Ranma crossed his arms stubbornly. "I'm not ready yet!" he complained. Genma, in panda form, held out Ranma's school bag to him. Ranma dodged what he thought was an attack and then angrily grabbed the bag, muttering darkly under his breath. Akane stared, eyes wide. Ranma turned to her again. "Besides, I always go with Ranko." 

Ranko skipped around the corner, brushing her hair. "What's this? Do I hear my name being used in vain?" she inquired sweetly. Ranko was always a late riser. 

Akane came out of her daze and turned to her. "Oh, you know Kuno?" she asked. 

Ranko stared blankly back at her. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, puzzled. 

Akane frowned. "I guess not. You sure sounded like him for a second there." Then she pointed back at Ranma and his father. "Say, what's with the panda, anyway? You two break into a zoo or something?" 

Ranko pursed her lips. "Hey, bro, didn't anybody tell her about pop?" 

Ranma just shrugged. "How should I know? And why're you asking *me*, Sis?" 

"Yeah!" pointed out Akane hotly. "Why *are* you asking him? It's not like we're really gonna get married or anything!" Ranko's eyes opened wide for a split second. 

"So who wants to marry a tomboy like you, anyway?" replied Ranma hotly. Ranko's eyes opened even wider. 

"WHAT?" yelled Akane. "Who are you calling a tomboy?" 

"Do you see any *other* goofy-looking girls around here?" asked Ranma rhetorically, probably inadvertently saving his life. 

Akane smiled. "Yep! Right there!" She pointed straight at Ranko. 

Ranma's jaw stayed open. He shut it with a click. "Uhh..." he said wittily. Akane smirked as Ranko started to simmer. Luckily for Ranma, his sister's wrath was aimed at Akane. He'd been on the receiving end of her anger far too many times for his liking. 

"So you *admit* to being goofy-looking yourself, Akane?" asked Ranko. 

"What?" asked Akane, caught off guard. 

"He said 'other', as in, 'any more'. Of course, it takes one to know one." She flashed all her teeth at Akane. 

Kasumi walked down the hallway past the trio. "Oh, hello there. Don't forget your lunches! Have fun on your first day of school, you two!" Ranko wondered how the Tendo girl managed to blithely ignore the fact that the three were about to kill each other - or at least cause grievous bodily harm. She wondered if Kasumi had been hit on the head as a child. (1) 

Akane grabbed Ranko's arm in a fair imitation of A-ko. "Ack! School!" she yelped, suddenly realizing the time. "Come on! We're gonna be late!" 

"Whoops," said Ranko as she was pulled out the door. 

Ranma stared. "Hey!" he cried. "Wait for me!" He ran after the two girls. 

Ranko tried dislodging her arm from Akane's hand. "Um, Akane?" She nearly tripped over a stone. "AKANE?" A little old lady splashed the street with water, missing Ranko by a hair. "AKANE!!" she yelled. "I CAN RUN BY MYSELF!!" Akane glanced down, realized the problem, and let go. Ranko fell forward into the ground. Ranma tripped over her and landed on top. The two got up and jumped onto the fence top, surprising Akane. 

"Well, c'mon, we can't wait for you," said Ranko to Akane. Akane realized she'd stopped running at the incredible sight of the two running on top of the fence. "We can tell you about pop as we go." Akane glared holes in her. "Oh, c'mon, you're not gonna pull that on me, are you? Don't tell me you're still angry?" One look at Akane's red face answered her question for her. Well, either that or she was really out of shape. Or both. She sighed and the three teens made their way to school without further conversation. 

Akane noticed the twins were quite the pair - being mischievous, having fun, and most of all, excluding her. In a way, "quite the pair" seemed like an understatement - Akane had never seen two people act like the two of them. They were running on the fences, occasionally turning to each other to laugh at something, not bothering to explain to Akane what it was. Once in a while, they'd switch positions in mid-air, without so much as a by-your-leave. Akane began to wish they would fall off and break their necks. If nothing else, maybe it would teach them a lesson. She was getting rather irritated at the pair. Ranma looked down - for a change, she noted disgustedly - and grimaced, seeing her scowl. He hopped down beside her, and soon all three were running at ground level again. 

"So how much of last night's explanation did you miss?" asked Ranko. 

"Father and Mr. Saotome didn't really explain anything to me, except that you've been training in China," explained Akane. 

Ranko pursed her lips. "I see...okay, well, that's a good start, I guess. Anyway, you were asking about the panda?" Akane nodded. 

Ranma chimed in. "Well, that's Pop." Akane stopped. Both twins continued on until they realized they'd left her behind. They turned to look at her, curious. 

"That...panda...is your father?" she asked, somewhat stunned. 

Ranma shrugged. "Pop took us to some kind of cursed training ground in China, Jhusen-quack...no, wait, that's not right... Jhusenkyou? Close enough. He fell into this 'spring of drowned panda,' Shonmaoniichuan or some weird Chinese name like that. Now he's a panda whenever he gets hit with cold water, and goes back to normal when he soaks in hot. We're not a hundred percent sure about lukewarm yet." 

Akane looked at him with disbelief. "Really? You're not pulling my leg?" she asked. 

Ranko grinned. "Well, actually, lukewarm water just makes him stay in whatever form he's already in. We found that out in the bath house." 

Akane glared at her. "That's *not* what I meant," she said. Then a nasty, suspicious look crossed her face (2). "Wait a second. Did anything like that happen to you two? Am I engaged to a panda?" 

Ranko tensed up, but Akane failed to notice. Ranma just shrugged and said teasingly, "Did *you* see either of us walk in as pandas?" He grinned at her. "Well - actually, I was nearly cursed too," he added on as an afterthought, "but Ranko saved me." He turned and smiled at his twin. 

She dug him in the ribs again and grinned. "Hey, you might not be so curse-free after all," she said jokingly. 

"Huh?" he asked, puzzled. "Whaddaya mean?" 

She pointed at Akane. "Just look at the kawaiikune fiancee you're stuck wi--hey! Akane! I was just kidding!! " 

Akane smashed her over the head with her book bag. "AAAUGGH!" screamed Akane as she lashed out with her bag. "I hate you, I hate you both!" Ranko wondered if Akane was serious - but Akane always seemed to take everything personally. Ranko kept running, just in case. 

Akane chased them down the street as they ran towards school. Ranko barely managed to get in a jibe as she ran at full speed. "Methinks the girl doth protest too much!" she gasped. 

Akane stopped. "You *do* know Kuno!" 

Ranko looked back at her blankly again. She realized Akane had stopped chasing them and slowed down. Ranma looked back at her. "Hey, what's wrong? You give up already?" 

Akane bared her teeth. "Not a chance. But I have to save my strength for the others." 

Ranko frowned. "The...others?" 

Akane grit her teeth. "The...boys!" 

Ranma skipped a step. "Boys?" he asked. "What about them?" 

"I hate boys! I *hate* boys! I...HATE...BOYS!!" she screamed. Simultaneously, the school bell rung 8:30 (3). 

(1) No, but Soun, on the other hand... 

(2) Nabiki would have been proud of her. 

(3) The Japanese school day often starts around 8:30. In the West it can vary wildly, from 7:30 to 9:00. In Utopia, school starts at three-fifteen sharp and goes until three-thirty, just after role call. 

* * * 

The three ran into the schoolyard. Ranma absently noted they were not alone. Other students were also running to school late. Then he noticed something. They weren't running towards *school*, they were running towards *them*! He and his sister realized this at the same time, giving little exclamations of surprise before jumping up to fence level and safety. Akane just put on more speed and charged through them. 

"Get out of my way, I'm *late*!" she yelled, her flailing book bag bringing down opponent after opponent. 

The Saotome twins sat on the school fence as they watched yet another Furinkan High student get thrown to the ground. They exchanged glances. "Think we should help her?" asked Ranma. 

"I'm not so sure I want to get in the middle of that," admitted Ranko somewhat nervously, looking at the body of the fifteenth challenger of the morning, a football player who was now hanging from a tree branch. She poked at his groaning frame curiously. "Ooh, look at that bruise," she said with a wince. "That's gotta hurt." She poked him again. He groaned. 

"Stop that," said Ranma, noticing the boy twitch. 

"Why? It's fun," said Ranko. Ranma opened his mouth but was interrupted. They both looked up at the school as Nabiki called their names. 

"Ranma! Ranko! What are you doing down there?" Ranko pointed at the melee without saying a word. "Oh, don't worry!" called Nabiki. "That happens every day! You'd better hurry up or you're going to be late!" "This happens..." said Ranma. "...every day?" finished Ranko. The twins exchanged glances again, then hopped down. Akane was almost done beating the mass of schoolboys into the pavement, anyway. 

The two flanked her as a sudden blur caught their attention. Ranma grabbed Akane and threw her to the ground while Ranko reached out and grabbed the flying object. It turned out to be a rose. Ranko looked at it blankly. Ranma looked up from where he lay on top of Akane. Seeing it was safe, he turned back to Akane. Her face was red, and not from exertion. "GET OFF ME, YOU PERVERT!!" she screamed. Ranko covered her ears and winced. Ranma got off Akane as if she were on fire (1). Akane picked herself up and brushed herself off, deciding to give Ranma the benefit of the doubt. For now, at least. 

"Truly, such a boorish lot," came a voice from the shadows. "To think that they could defeat you. But they too shall--what? Hark! What trickery is this? Do mine eyes deceive me? Thou art not my love Akane. Who art thou, maiden, and why dost thou stand between me and mine? Surely such a slip of a girl would never seek to incur my wrath for a trivial reason." Ranko could see the figure now. It was some moron in a kimono - at school? - carrying an absurd wooden stick. Oh, wait, it was a bokken. Same thing (2). Akane walked up to the two of them. 

"Kuno-sempai (3)," she said in flat tones. "I should have guessed." She turned to Ranko, who was still holding the rose in her hands. "Stay out of this or you're gonna get hurt!" 

Ranko bristled. "Oh yeah? And why're you being so nice all of a sudden, huh? You planning on cheating on my brother with this jerk?" Akane whirled on her furiously. Ranma silently thanked whoever was listening that it was his sister and not him on the receiving end of Akane's cold stare. Kuno waved his bokken between the two girls, diverting their attention back to him (4). 

"You there, black-haired girl!" he demanded, gaining the attention of the entire female population of Furinken High (5). "You're being awfully familiar with Akane! Who are you?" 

Ranko shrugged and opened her mouth. "I'm--" 

For the second time in less than a day, she was cut off before she could finish. It was really beginning to get to her. "Ah, but is it not the custom to give one's own name first? Very well! I am the undefeated captain of the Kendo club, the rising new star of Furinkan High, the one they call Blue Thunder!" He raised his sword into the air, and twin strokes of lightning crashed down nearby. 

Ranko looked up at the sky worriedly at the sound of thunder, seeing the gathering clouds. The boy finished with a flair, a sword slash down to a guard position. "Tatewaki Kuno, age seventeen." He looked up arrogantly only to catch Ranko looking at the clouds. His audience wasn't even paying attention to him! What insolence! What sheer insult! But Kuno was nothing if he was not honorable (6). He would not strike her down when she had her back turned to him. That would not be honorable. Not to mention the fact that she looked so *cute* like that. Kuno wrenched his thoughts back to reality (7). 

Ranko turned back to him. Yes, the clouds were definitely a little darker than they were ten minutes ago. "That's nice. Um, I'm Ranko Saotome, and I'm sort of staying with Akane for a while. Look, I gotta run--" 

Kuno stepped forward. "You have intercepted my gift to Akane. Dost this mean that you intend to challenge me? Very well! I accept! And if you win, I will allow you to *date* with me!" Ranko's eyes crossed as she digested this spurious logic. Distant thunder echoed across the field. She shuddered and started edging towards the school nervously. Kuno stood in her path defiantly, bokken raised towards her in challenge. 

Ranma walked up to Ranko. "Hey, Sis, what's taking you so long? It's gonna rain soon!" He cocked his head to one side. "Oh yeah, and you're gonna be late," he added as an afterthought. 

Ranko positively *beamed* at him. "Ranma!" she squealed happily. "This is Kuno. Kuno, this is Ranma. He's my chosen champion. Look, I gotta go, 'kay?" 

Ranma blinked. "What?" he asked wittily. Ranko grabbed Akane's hand and ran towards the school. Ranma started to follow, about to demand some sort of explanation, when a bokken thrust out in front of him. 

"Cur! Very well, I will accept you as the lovely Ranko Saotome's champion. And if I defeat you, I will date with her!!" Ranma put a hand to his head. Oh, boy. He could see why Ranko wanted him to beat this guy. He was unbelievable! 

He cracked his knuckles. "Okay, Kumo, you asked for it," he grinned. "I'm gonna squash you." 

Kuno attacked with a sharp battle cry. "That's Kuno, insolent dog! For that insult, you shall pay!! (8)" 

Ranma easily dodged the blow. Behind him, a small tree fell down, cut cleanly through its trunk. Wait a second...weren't bokkens made out of wood? Ranma stared at the tree for a moment, but he was too experienced in battle to be distracted for long. He drew on his father's training in the school of Anything-Goes Martial Arts. Faced with a sword he ran towards the swordsman, not away from him. This surprised Kuno to no end. He attempted to skewer Ranma with a thrust, but he had already gotten too close and it was a rather ineffectual attempt. Ranma kicked him in the face with both feet before jumping over him and spinning around. Kuno fell to the ground, stunned. 

Ranma smiled. "Hey, that wasn't so bad. Man, Ranko must be slipping if she was afraid of this jerk." 

He was promptly drenched as the rain started to pour wholeheartedly down on him. 

(1) Well, not exactly. He didn't roll on the ground afterwards while yelling "OW! OW! OW!" and then turn an extinguisher on her. Although he was tempted. 

(2) Or rather, it wasn't a bokken at all, but it's not important since everybody seems to call it that. For anybody who cares about fine points, the practice swords used in kendo are usually called bokuto (if wood). "Bokken" isn't a word per se, but it's a valid reading of the kanji used to spell bokuto - just not one used by most Japanese. It's like looking at a rose and calling it a rosé - one is a flower, the other a wine. You can understand how you could make the mistake, but a native speaker simply wouldn't say it. 

(3) '-sempai' means 'upperclassman' or 'senior' and is used as a term of respect in any organization that uses seniority as a form of prestige (sports teams, businesses, etc). There's no real translation in English because we simply don't use titles as much - but it shouldn't be seen as a sign of respect, either. 

(4) This, by the way, is not a good idea, especially with two angry martial artists. Don't try this at home, kids. We're trained professionals. Kuno, on the other hand, is a self-made idiot. 

(5) Kuno used "black-haired girl" only because his mighty intellect was stuck for another name to call her by. Unfortunately, Kuno was a product of the "hairstyle" school of thought, which was, for some reason, only endorsed by the principal of Furinkan High, Kuno's father (9). 

(6) In other words, he was nothing. 

(7) Or, in his case, his own private little dream world. 

(8) 'Kumo' is a spider. 'Kuno' means 'nine abilities'. Interestingly, 'Kuno' can also be written 'incompetent' (which helps to explain the joke used in the second episode of the real series). Japanese humour is full of words that sound alike but use different kanji...unfortunately, that's very difficult to model in a story - the closest we have in English is bad puns. On the other hand, they also use other jokes: Ranko sounds a lot like "Unko", a slang word for, well, defecation. A much worse name for her would be Rankou, which means orgy - but the Japanese probably wouldn't see the connection, because they have completely different sounds in Japanese. Did I mention that studying Japanese is insanely difficult? 

(9) For those of you fortunate enough not to have met Principal Kuno, he ran away from his loving children, Tatewaki and Kodachi, to continue his vacation - no, not his career, his vacation - in Hawaii, where he found the One True Path. The One True Path seems to involve planting palm trees in your head, wearing flashy shirts and saying outdated American slang and - especially - cutting everybody's hair. Ranma particularly disliked this habit of the Principal, especially after Principal Kuno attacked him with garden shears. 

* * * 

Ranma stood in the hall and grumbled angrily under his breath. He'd been late because of that stupid fight. And he was soaked now, too. He'd have some sharp words with his sister when he saw her next. 

The door slid open, disappearing along with Ranma's thoughts. Ranko came out of the classroom carrying two buckets of water. "Hey, bro. Thought you might be getting lonely, so I decided to come and join you." Ranma snarled at her by way of response. "Oh, c'mon," she said, irritated. "Look, I'm sorry already. I didn't *have* to come and keep you company, you know." 

Ranma gave her a look of patented mistrust. "Yeah, right. What did you do, really?" 

Ranko stuck out her tongue at him. "Nothing! I grabbed two buckets and snuck out while the teacher's back was turned. Hey, what's the worst he can do - send me out in the hall to carry water?" She gave him an impish grin. 

Ranma shook his head. That was his sister, all right. "So why'd you set me up with that guy, anyway?" he demanded. 

She shrugged a little uneasily. "The, well, oh c'mon, you *know* why." Ranma looked uncertain, then nodded his head. She kissed him on the cheek gratefully, then looked around guiltily. "Did you win?" she asked. 

"Against him? Man, I'd've had to be a baby to lose!" said Ranma. Ranko sighed unhappily. "HEY!!" yelled Ranma. "Are you telling me you *wanted* me to lose??" 

Ranko looked at him with a guilty expression. "Well...look at it from my perspective. If I won, I got to 'date with him'. You know how I feel about that sort of thing." She idly fingered the rose that she still kept, twined now in her school uniform. 

"Funny, that's not what he said to *me*," said Ranma slowly. "Something like, if he beat me, he won the right to take you out." 

Akane jumped into the conversation, spooking both twins. "That's Kuno for you, all right." Both Saotomes spun to see her looking at them. Her expression very clearly showed she wasn't impressed. And was more than a little annoyed. Ranma jumped half a foot into the air while Ranko gulped audibly. 

"How...how much of that did you hear?" she asked Akane. 

"What do you mean by that?" Ranma asked simultaneously. 

Akane turned to Ranma. "Dealing with Kuno is a lose-lose situation. The only real way to deal with him is to knock him out. *I've* been able to do that without any help long before *you* came," she ended, looking purposefully at Ranko, who squirmed. Turning fully to her, she continued. "And to answer you, not much. Teacher sent me out here when he heard *you*," looking at Ranma, "yelling, and saw *you*," nodding to Ranko, "were gone, so he said I was in charge of you both and gave me these buckets for you to carry. But I see you already have some of your own." 

Ranko looked sheepishly at Akane. Akane glared at her. Ranma pretended he was invisible. The two girls started bickering. "If you hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here right now!" Akane said. 

"Oh yeah? If we hadn't been there, you'd be late 'cause Kuno would've eaten you alive!" Ranko responded. "Right, Ranma-kun?" she turned to Ranma, who was desperately trying to stay neutral. He was having as much success as Belgium during the war (1). 

Akane rounded on her. "Ha! Kuno's a pushover! I can take him any day of the week!" 

Ranko leaned in closer, giving Akane a look which put her in her place. Or so she hoped. "You couldn't take him with his arms tied behind his back! I've fought you, remember. I know!" 

Akane turned red. "That wasn't a fair fight!" 

"You wanna try again? Name the place! Anytime! Anywhere! I'll be there!" shouted Ranko. 

Ranma looked uncertain. "Uh..." he started, worried about the almost infinite number of problems that could cause for all three. 

"Fine!" yelled Akane. "Here! And now!" She attacked. 

(1) ANY war. 

End of Episode Two 


	3. The School of Hard Knocks

* * *

Ranma Ichibunnoni

Episode Three

"The School of Hard Knocks."

* * *

"Fine!" Akane yelled at Ranko. "You want a fight? Here! And now!" She threw her bucket at Ranko. 

Ranko reacted way out of proportion to the threat value of a pail of water (1). She jumped into the air, grabbed Ranma from behind, and used him as a springboard, latching onto the ceiling with her arms and legs. Ranma was pushed forward by her jump - right into the path of the oncoming bucket. His head hit aluminum with a clang and a watery yelp. 

Akane yelled at him. "Hey! Are you picking sides, here?" she demanded as she raised her other bucket menacingly. 

Ranma stood up, rubbing his head. "Hey now, wait a sec!" he said hastily, seeing the oncoming second bucket. "She pushed me! I didn't--" Akane hesitated slightly. "No! I'm not taking sides!" he said hurriedly, just before the bucket hit him. " Gack," he commented blithely as he fell over again. 

Akane looked down at him. "Oh. Sorry," she apologized. Ranma didn't answer. He was trying to find his way out of the bucket. Akane looked up at Ranko. "This is all your fault, you know." 

Ranko looked down at her brother from her perch on the ceiling. Strange. That wasn't like him. He was usually willing to stand up for her regardless of whether she was right or not. Or, for that matter, whether or not she asked him to, which was rather irritating sometimes. Make that all of the time. Akane picked up one of the fallen buckets. 

Ranko eyed it fearfully for a half second, then jumped down carefully onto a dry section of the floor. "Akane, this is no place for a fight! Follow me!" and with that, she started running down the hall. 

Akane threw down her buckets and ran after her. "Fine, then!" she shouted. Ranma ran after both girls, muttering under his breath the whole time about 'stupid tomboys' and something to do with permanent detention. Ranko reached a window and opened it. She jumped out. 

Akane ran up to it and started to do the same. Then she did a doubletake. "Hey! This is the third floor! You baka!! (2)" she yelled desperately. 

Ranma just grinned. "No sweat, Akane, she's--" 

"Oh, well," sighed Akane, "she's lucky the pool's there. I wouldn't want her to get hurt." 

Ranma swallowed his words. "WHAT!?" He looked down. 

At approximately the same time, Ranko noticed the same thing. She frantically tried to swim back up in the air without success. Ranma leapt out the window after her. Akane stared after him for a second before shaking her head in disbelief. "That's it, they're both insane," she muttered. "I'm stuck with a baka fiance and his demon sister." 

Ranma heard a splash below him and looked down. Split seconds before he hit the water himself, he knew his sister had landed safely in the water of the pool. He felt water enveloping him and started stroking upwards to the surface, looking around for his sister. He had to get to her quickly. 

Akane strained her eyes, trying to make out what was happening. Why had Ranma reacted that way? She couldn't see Ranko. What had happened to her? She leaned out further. Ranma was blocking her line of sight. There was a scream from down below, then Ranma yelled something until being cut off with a splash, garbling his words. She could almost make out something else in the pool, too - no, wait, someONE else - and then someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around, surprised. It was Mr. Watanabe, her teacher. He pointed at the hall, which was covered in water and empty buckets, and tapped his foot. Akane blushed, knowing an explanation would be useless, not to mention embarrassing (3). She went in search of a mop. 

Down below, Ranma finally managed to corner his sister and grabbed hold of her, cutting off her squealed protests. He glanced up, but he couldn't see Akane. He sighed, knowing she had seen what had happened anyway. She might not be able to figure it out, but she'd definitely be suspicious after this. And Ranko wasn't going to be pleased, either, when she returned to normal. He took her in search of some hot water.   
  
  
(1) Which, in case you were wondering, is just below getting squirted with strong perfume (the kind that takes days to really fade away), and just above being struck by a bouquet of a dozen roses (those thorns can really smart). 

(2) Baka means idiot or moron and is both a noun and an adjective. It's one of the most overused words in the Japanese language - at least, in anime. In Japan it's considered a VERY rude word that shouldn't be said without good cause, as I found out much to my chagrin. In a way, it's like some other swear words in the West - you wouldn't say a lot of them to your mother, but in Europe or Asia everyone learns them from Hollywood and uses them like garnishes. 

(3) Think about it: "Uh, sir, I can explain this. See, the two people you sent me out here to chastise already had buckets of their own and were standing out here with them. We got into a water fight, but they're not here right now because they jumped out the window into the pool three stories down." Hey, I'd believe it. 

* * *

The lunch bell rang. As students raced down the halls, free of their classes at last, two of the more intriguing new students at Furinkan High were taking their time. 

Ranko's shoulders were slumped as she walked with Ranma. He regarded her sadly; when she felt pain, he couldn't help but hurt along with her. He tried to cheer her up. "Ummm, hey, don't feel *too* bad," he said kindly. "At least *you* aren't stuck with an uncute fiancee!" 

Ranko actually managed to smile at that comment. "Yeah, you're right. But I swear, Pop would *try* if you weren't around! I don't think such an unimportant fact like both of us being girls would stop him!" She giggled. 

Ranma smiled a slightly bitter smile. "Yeah...well, at least *you* got to choose your own fiance." Ranko smiled dreamily and absently fingered the by now somewhat bedraggled rose. 

"Yeah..." she murmured. 

Ranma frowned. "Say, what's with the rose, anyway? You falling for that Kuno guy after all?" 

Ranko looked startled, then glanced down at her fingers. She blushed a deep shade of crimson. "Oops," she said apologetically. "I keep forgetting to dump this somewhere. It's just, well, it reminds me, of...him." She blushed. 

Ranma grinned. "Sure, sure, I believe you. Man, what Kuno would want with such a gangly, dumb, uncute girl like you I'll never--ouch!" 

Ranko grinned as she whacked him again for good measure. Then her grin faded. Just ahead of them were the doors to the cafeteria. "Oh..." she said, slightly taken aback. 

Ranma sighed inwardly. "Come on, Sis," he encouraged her. "It wasn't that bad. I bet nobody saw anything--" 

Ranko gave him a withering glare. "Oh no?" she demanded. "You think nobody was wondering why we weren't in class?" 

Ranma gave her a weak smile. "Hey, it wasn't like it was a test or nothing *important*..." He tried another tactic. "But if you run away and hide from me the *next* time this happens, I'm gonna leave you there," he said jokingly. "You hear me?" 

Ranko turned a bright red and lowered her gaze to the ground, sensing without hearing the real irritation that her brother couldn't quite mask from her. "I'm sorry, Ranma," she said quietly. "Let's go in, okay?" 

The two walked into the cafeteria. It was crowded already; the two had spent too much time lingering in the hallways. Ranko scanned the mass of people, looking for two empty spots next to each other. Ranma was doing the same thing. "Sorry, 'bro, but I think we're too late to get a seat," Ranko said finally. 

"No way!" replied Ranma. "C'mon, there's gotta be one or two left somewhere...yeah, look--right there! Next to--oops. Um, hey, you're right, it's full, let's eat outside." He smiled at his sister nicely and turned to leave. 

Ranko's eyes narrowed. Ranma was *never* that nice unless he was trying to hide something. Besides, the last time he had told her she was right without her beating him up was five years ago. Then again, the last time she had told *him* that he was right without him beating *her* up was also five years ago, somewhat coincidentally. Very suspicious. Hm...she looked where he had been scanning a second ago. There were two seats left, right next to...Akane. No wonder he had balked. Of course, thinking before he spoke was never Ranma's strong suit. "Too late, 'bro. Well, I have to face the music sometime, right?" 

The twins headed over to Akane's table. "Hi there, mind if we sit down?" asked Ranma. 

Akane glanced up. "Why should *I* mind?" she replied icily. "It's not like I know you, or anything." 

Ranko winced. Ranma put an arm around her shoulders and turned her around. "C'mon, Sis. I know when I'm not wanted." As the two headed outside, a few students nearby heard him mutter, "I don't care, but I know."   
  
  


* * *

Akane looked back at the two with no little twinge of conscience as they left the cafeteria. Well, she *had* said they could sit down, hadn't she? And it wasn't like either of them wanted the engagement to become public, right? And when had either of them been nice to her? Of course, maybe she *had* said that a little too sharply. She debated calling out to them, inviting them over, but shook her head. No, there was no *way* she'd do that, like it was her fault! Besides, now they were outside, anyway. She munched on a piece of tuna absently. It was tasteless. She sighed angrily. She wasn't about to go to him, like some kind of trained animal! He might begin to expect that from his 'devoted fiancee', and then where would she be? No! No way! Absolutely not! 

Akane was more than a little surprised when she concluded this thought only to find herself outside, carrying her lunch with her. Well, maybe just this once, she told herself sternly. But not again! She found the two easily and sat down next to them. "Mind if I sit here?" she asked them. 

Ranko glared at her. "Sure. Why should *we* care, it's not like we know you or anything," she responded bitingly. Akane winced. Had she really sounded like that? She put up her hands in a peace offering. Ranma gave her a suspicious glare, but Ranko put one of her hands on his, and he stilled without her saying a word. Akane wished she could do that. Well, not on *Ranma*, of course. He was such a baka. Just, well, she just wished she could do that on someone. 

"Akane," said Ranko quietly, breaking Akane's line of thought. "I need to ask you something." Akane looked at her challengingly. "Did..." Ranko took a deep breath. "What *did* you see?" She looked at Akane in an odd way Akane didn't recognize. Was that fear? Why should she be afraid? 

"Um...you mean back in the hall? Um, not much, just what I told you..." she said uncertainly. 

Ranko frowned impatiently. "No, no. Not that, baka! I mean outside, in the pool!" 

Akane stared furiously. "Excuse me!" she demanded. "Who are you calling a baka, you minx?" 

Ranko crumpled inwardly. "M-minx?" she asked tremulously. 

Akane didn't notice. "That's right, princess, I said minx! If anyone's acting baka it's you, you bubbleheaded bimbo, not *me*. Martial artist? Ha! Martial airhead is more like it!" Akane was working up a fair head of steam. 

Ranko rocked back as if struck. "Airhead?" she asked, her voice strangled. 

"That's right!" Akane said, exasperated. "You're acting like a complete idiot and I'm getting sick and tired of it!" 

Ranko's heart hammered inside her. "B-but Akane," she tried, holding back tears. "I--" 

Akane glared daggers into her. "Don't bother making excuses," she told the slender girl angrily. "Nothing you can say can make me change my mind about you--you'll always be the same savage, rude, pushy tomboy." 

Suddenly Ranko was in her arms, hugging her hard enough to make her gasp. Ranko pressed her head into Akane's shoulder and cried. "OH, THANK YOU!! Thank you so much, Akane! I'm sorry I've been so cruel to you! I take back half the mean things I said about you! WAHHHHH!!" Akane belatedly realized she wasn't being attacked by her and, somewhat stunned, patted the girl clinging to her on the back. She glanced at Ranma as if he could explain this sudden reversal to her. He shrugged and smiled. 

"I'm sorry I called you an ungrateful cow!! I take back saying you were a stuck-up brat!!" wailed Ranko. Akane smiled and patted Ranko on the back. Well, maybe she *could* forgive the Saotome girl after all. She was certainly taking the proper attitude towards things. "I take back telling Ranma you were an gutless tomboy!! I'm sorry I told Pop you weren't good enough to shine Ranma's shoes!!" Akane stopped smiling. She had said THAT? Wasn't beating her up in a 'challenge' good enough for her? "Those fifteen times I called you a sexless, obnoxious pain in the neck, I take them all back!!" 

Akane's grip on Ranko got a little bit tighter. She tried to smile warmly, but it came out a little forced. "Um, Ranko--" 

"And I'm really, *really* sorry I said you should change your name to 'Fido' to match your face!" Akane's smile froze in place for half a second, steam shooting out of her ears. Ranma moved back a few feet nervously. 

"RANKO!!" yelled Akane. 

Ranko looked up at her with wide eyes. "Hmm?" 

"HOW DARE YOU!?" Akane screamed, blowing back Ranko's hair with the force of her yell. "I'LL KILL--" Akane caught herself and shut her mouth. In some, odd way Ranko was genuinely trying to apologize to her. As much as it galled her, Akane realized that now was not the time to get angry at the Saotome twins. She tried not to grit her teeth as she opened her mouth again. "I mean... th-thank you. Really. Now please, BE QUIET." 

Ranko sniffed and smiled brightly at her. She hugged Akane again before releasing her. "Sure! Man, I had you all wrong, Akane. I thought you were a horrible witch, but I was wrong." She beamed at Akane, grasping her shoulders with her hands and looking at her straight in the face. "Akane, I'm happy to say I'll accept your engagement to Ranma." 

"WHAAAAAAAT?!?" Ranma's scream seemed to come from a thousand mouths. Come to think of it, it probably did. Akane looked around to see virtually the entire population of Furinkan High surrounding their little luncheon party. So much for privacy... 

"No! Wait! It's not true!" Akane tried desperately as the girls of her class pressed around her. The boys similarly surrounded Ranma. 

"It's not our idea!" he was shouting. "Our parents...!" Akane felt her heart sinking as any chance she had of enjoying a nice, quiet semester at school dropped lower than Kuno's chance of being voted Most Likely to Succeed. 

Suddenly a bokken thrust between the massed students. It was almost as if the author had needed that little Kuno analogy in the last paragraph to remember Furinkan's most egotistical senior (1). "NEVER!" he thundered. "Never shall I, the great Tatewaki Kuno, allow this engagement between Akane Tendo and this cur!" He levelled his sword at them, shaking with rage. Ranma nervously pushed the bokken away from his face with his index finger. 

Kuno slashed at Ranma. Ranma gave an 'eep' as he barely dodged out of the way (2). Kuno gave chase, striking at the air again and again. Ranma was pushed backwards as he tried to get an opening while somersaulting backwards. Suddenly, Kuno felt a hand on his sword. He looked down. It was Ranko's. 

She looked at her brother. "Lemme handle him, Ranma-kun. You got him for me last time." Ranma shrugged and quickly scooted out of the way, letting his sister take her turn at bat, as it were. Kuno turned to regard the slight girl holding his weapon at bay. 

"Ranko Saotome...once again our paths cross. What hold does this vile miscreant have on you, that he can use your fair figure to hide behind?" 

Ranma stood up again. "Hey! That's not true!" he yelled. Ranko put a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off angrily. "Nobody says that about me and lives!" he shouted. Ranko glanced at Akane, who nodded. 

Ranko bent down in front of the two boys. "Oh look! A shiny new 5 yen coin!" she exclaimed. 

"Huh?" asked Ranma, his momentum lost. Luckily for him, Kuno was similarly distracted and did nothing about it. 

"Oh Ranma," said Akane, "you have a mosquito on your back! Just hold still!" She shoved him hard. Ranma found himself flying forward, only to trip over his sister. Luckily, he was a trained gymnast. He nimbly managed to dodge out of the way and kept his balance as he ran straight into Kuno's chest. 

Kuno pushed him away and held him at arm's length. "It is not to you that I pledge my love," he said crossly. 

Ranma kicked him in the face. "So who asked you, ya jerk?" he asked. Then he spun around. "Whaddya do that for?" he demanded. Both girls giggled. He advanced on them. Kuno swiped at his back, and Ranma had to dodge out of the way. He spun on Kuno, pushing his sleeves up and grinning. "Now *this* is gonna be a real pleasure," he said, stalking forward with a purpose. 

Ranko caught him on the arm again. "RANMA! I *said* this was my fight and I meant it!" He looked at her. Kuno charged. 

Ranma shrugged. "Okay, Sis. You win. He's all yours. Funny, never thought he was your type." Kuno raised his bokken high, still running. 

"WHAT!?" shrieked Ranko. "How can you even suggest that I--" 

Ranma grinned. "Well, if you win, you get to *date* with him," he said, doing a fair imitation of the True Blunder of Furinkan High. "Hey!" he said suddenly, dropping to his knees. "A near-mint Elvis stamp!" Kuno reached the pair. His target, Ranma, suddenly dropped out of his sight and his blade swung through empty air. He tripped over Ranma's bent form. Time slowed down. He started falling forward in the air, tumbling head over heels. Right towards Ranko. 

"What?" she asked, somewhat belatedly. "Hey--" she started, staring at the flying idiot about to tackle her at high velocity. "That's not--" 

Then time sped up again, and Kuno whooshed past her. Ranko blinked at this turn of events before realizing Akane was still holding her arms, having just pulled her to the side. Akane was unimpressed. "Next time," she said to the startled girl sarcastically, "use your feet, not your mouth." Then she smiled. "And go beat up Kuno." Ranko blinked again. Had that really been *Akane* who saved her? Then she smiled back and leapt over to Kuno, just getting up and obviously still in the fight from his aggressive stance. 

Ranma looked over at Akane. "Hey," he said. "Who are you, and what did you do with the real tomboy?" For his speech, he was rewarded by being thrown back into the fray. He landed on his head, next to Kuno. He rolled over until he was sitting down. "Ow," he said, rubbing his head. 

Kuno looked coldly at him. "You seek to challenge me also, then? More fool you. I say again, what hold do you have over these women that they obey you?" 

Ranko stood up straight, angry at his words. She took a step back and puffed out her chest. This had the result of making every single boy in Furinkan High not related to her drool. In unison. 

"No man has any hold over me that I do not choose to give him of my own free will!" she stated defiantly. Something about that statement tugged at her brain in an odd way, but she had inherited the Saotome skill at thinking ahead (3) and ignored it bravely (4). "I am--" 

For the third time in 24 hours, Ranko was interrupted before she could finish her sentence. This time, she was seriously pissed off by that fact. "No! Say not that you are also the fiancee of this evil--" Ranko landed behind Kuno as he felt the impact of her knee to his face. He turned around. "Very well! I will accept your challenge! And if you succeed--" 

Ranko cut him off, glad to interrupt someone else for a change. "I know, I know, you'll allow me to date with you. So enough talk, already." She aimed a flying kick at him. He slashed downwards at her. The two bodies met. Thunder crashed. Kuno was thrown backwards and landed with a bone-splintering crash. Ranko was forced to rub her arm. "That almost hurt" she muttered. Kuno did not say anything in return. He was stunned. Ranko picked up his bokken from unresisting hands and stepped on his chest, levelling its point at his neck. "And if you ever try that again, you'll get worse. Guess what, Kuno? *I'm* even better than Ranma is." 

She smugly flipped Kuno's sword in her hands before thrusting it deep into the soil next to his neck. Ranma muttered under his breath. "Yeah, right. As if such a tomboy could be better than me. She's nearly as bad as Akane...what an ugly tomboy." It was unfortunate for him that Akane had decided to see if he was all right. She had even decided she would have to apologize to him and was at that moment working out how to say it to him without losing face. As a result, she was standing right behind him. 

She turned red and lifted her extradimensional mallet. We all know what happens next (5). There's no need to mention gory details and lose the family rating on this fanfic (6). 

Ranko turned to her brother and his fiancee. She cocked her head oddly at him. "Say, Ranma-kun, if I'm the one who was doing all the fighting, how come you're the one with all the injuries?" 

Ranma just groaned. Akane was *such* a tomboy.   
  
  
(1) In fact, it was exactly like it. 

(2) Dodging a sword is no easy matter when you start sitting down. Go on, *you* try it. E-mail me outtakes. 

(3) Which is to say, none whatsoever. 

(4) Plus, this was Kuno. The idea of Kuno making fun of the way somebody talks is laughable, not to mention hypocritical in the extreme. 

(5) Well, most of us, anyway. Akane goes from 0 to Terminator in 1.3 seconds. She powers up. She gets her second wind. She transforms into Crinos form. She goes into hyperdrive. She reinvents nuclear fusion and uses it to power herself. In other words, she gets *real* angry and does more damage to Ranma with her fists in about three seconds than he'd take from a fragmentation grenade. Fun Fact: Ranma takes more damage from Akane than every single other character in the series combined. 

(6) Although it'd be fun to see just how far off the scale I could get, I think I like these characters far too much to abuse them that way. 

End of Episode Three 


	4. Love And Other Dangerous Weapons

* * * 

Ranma Ichibunnoni

Episode Four

"Love and Other Dangerous Weapons."

* * * 

Kuno was pacing. It was something he was good at; yet another of the innumerable Kuno family blessings. It had been just over a day since he'd fought Ranko Saotome. Over twenty-four long hours, and he had still not seen her or Akane Tendo since the fight. 

"Curses!" he muttered. "Zounds!" he added for effect. "Zut alors!" he tried, but then discarded as being too hard to say. French accents were so hard to do properly (1). His pacing brought him next to Nabiki, where she was enjoying her lunch and counting her profits. 

"Yo, Kuno. What's got you so down?" she asked, always quick to see the good in another's misfortune. Usually in terms of cold, hard cash coming her way. Kuno glanced up at her, stopping his pacing for the moment, which everybody in the room was supremely grateful to Nabiki for. She decided to bill them for it later. 

"Nabiki Tendo," he said slowly. "You see before you a man in some difficulties (2). I needs must deliver something to Ranko Saotome, but I know not the address of her domicile. Whither the raven-haired girl who bested me, the great Tatewaki Kuno, in mortal combat?" 

Nabiki sucked on her straw thoughtfully. "You know, Kuno, I happen to know where she's staying," she commented idly. 

Kuno's eyes lit up. "Verily? Then speak on, Nabiki Tendo! Where is she!?" Nabiki looked in his eyes and shivered. He was just a little bit *too* excited about this, she thought. She idly wondered if she could get him to start taking Valium. She had expected him to be angry - but *that* angry? Or was there something else there, in his eyes? A pinch of obsession? A touch of madness? A sprig of parsley? 

She hastily revised her original plan. No sense letting a crazed violent maniac loose in the house. She already had three. "Actually, I misspoke. I don't know where she is," she said, blithely omitting the words 'right now'. "But I *can* deliver a message to her if you like. My rates don't come cheap, 'though." 

Kuno nearly pounced on her words. "How much?" he demanded eagerly. 

Nabiki thought for a moment, trying to figure out how much she could milk him for. "1000 yen," she quoted him. 

His eyebrows raised slightly, but he slammed his hand down on the desk. "Done!" He immediately took out inkstone and began to grind ink on the spot. The other students stared at him, nonplussed. He got out a brush and in seconds had finished his work. He handed the paper to Nabiki who looked at it in puzzlement.   
  
  
(1) Except for Canadians, who pretend that French is their second language but really only learn enough to fake it to Americans. For some reason, English Canadians learn French as spoken in France, not French as spoken in Quebec. This may be part of the reason Quebec wants to separate from the rest of Canada. 

(2) Kuno was later to win the coveted Understatement of the Year award for this statement. 

* * * 

"Mail call," said Nabiki, tossing the envelope to Ranko. Ranko was sparring with her brother, but somehow managed to catch it while making a flying kick. The kick connected, too. Nabiki wondered if she could somehow manage to make money off the Saotomes' fighting abilities. She shrugged and took out her camera. It was just like a martial arts movie, she thought to herself. Flashy, but unrealistic. 

Of course, the fact that pictures of Ranko would sell well had nothing to do with it at all. Several boys had already asked the middle Tendo daughter if Ranko was engaged to anybody (1). There had been a general air of doom around half the student body population when Nabiki had come back the next day and announced Ranko was indeed off-limits to them. Not that such a petty detail as that stopped the boys from trying to catch her attention, or hoping to make her smile at them. Or, for that matter, the other half of the student population from flirting outrageously with Ranma. Her little sister hadn't noticed yet, but most of the girls at Furinkan thought he was pretty hot stuff. 

Ranma easily dodged his sister's next attack, then called a halt to the fight and sat down where he stood, breathing heavily. Ranko sat down gratefully on a rock and opened the envelope. 

"'On Sunday at the seventh hour meet me at the second field of...' I don't believe this! Kuno's challenging me? Again?" She sounded almost incredulous. 

Akane spoke up in a flat tone. "Sure sounds like it." She had been watching the two fight while she practised, trying to get back into shape. She didn't tell anybody it was so she could give that demon girl some of her own medicine back. She didn't have to. 

Ranma put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up from the rock where she was sitting, cross-legged. "Ranko-chan...don't worry about Kuno. If he's bothering you, I'll take care of him." He smiled at her. Ranko punched him in the stomach and he doubled over in pain. Both Nabiki and Akane's eyes opened wide at that. 

"Don't you treat me like that! I'm not some china doll for you to take care of, Ranma! I haven't trained for sixteen years so I could go crying to you whenever a problem comes up. You pig! You lousy, male chauvinist pig!" 

Ranma straightened out. He slowly grinned. "Well, you should know all about that; you're more boy than girl, you tomboy!" He suddenly kicked at her. She blocked it with her arms crossed. "An opening!" he cried as he landed both fists on her face. Both Tendo girls winced at the impact. "Baka! Never let down your guard!" He grinned for 1.3 seconds until Ranko tumbled into his feet, grabbing them and pulling him down, face-first, into the rocky ground. 

"Who's the baka now?" she demanded, as she proceeded to jump into the air, landing on his head and smashing it back into the rocky ground for a second time. Nabiki winced and decided it would be safer inside. Akane just took mental notes. 

"Ow! I give up! Ouch!" yelled Ranma, somewhat muffled by the rock. 

Akane mentally added yet another note in her analysis of their styles. She'd come to the conclusion that Ranko held the edge in speed, while her brother was stronger. But both of them enjoyed an almost insane amount of skill in Kempo as well as strong skills in gymnastics, athletics and other combat-oriented skills. They certainly dwarfed Akane by comparison. But not for long, she thought hotly. Not long at all. 

Ranko grinned as her brother got up. "Boy, do *you* look dumb. Fits your personality. Hmm...we should put some ice on that before it turns purple," she finished, looking at the cuts and abrasions on his face. 

Akane spoke up sharply. "If you'd just practice in the dojo like normal people, this wouldn't have happened! I keep telling you there's too many sharp rocks around here! I mean, what's the point of having a dojo if you don't practice in it?" Akane was a bit upset still that the two had rejected the dojo. Too stuffy, they had said. Well, then, what about the yard? Wasn't it good enough for them? Ranko had simply muttered something under her breath about not wanting to get wet and left. As if that mattered. Akane turned and stuck her nose in the air, leaving in a huff. 

Ranko just glanced at Ranma. Then both started laughing. That just made Akane angrier, but she refused to give them any satisfaction. She stormed off, to take out her aggressions on an unlucky practice dummy (2). Ranko leaned on her brother. "You know, though, she has something there," she said, poking him to send her point home. "We should clear up the lot before we spar again." She glanced at Ranma's bleeding face. "And we should get you to Dr. Tofu again." 

Ranma frowned. "Aw, Sis," he groaned. "It's just a flesh wound. You know how face cuts are. Lots of show, no substance." Ranko jabbed at his cheek. "Oww!" he yelled, caught off guard. 

He looked back up to see Ranko glaring at him. "Okay, what's the *real* reason you don't want to go?" she demanded. 

Ranma sighed. He never *could* keep secrets from his sister. "I dunno, Sis. I'm not sure about that guy...I mean, if you hadn't been at the clinic yesterday, what would I have done? I'd fallen and I couldn't get up (3)." 

Ranko studied him for a moment. Ranma and Akane had gone to Dr. Tofu's for some first aid yesterday afternoon. Ranko had decided to let them go in by themselves - places with large quantities of cold water sitting around weren't her style any more, for some reason (4). The doctor had done something to Ranma, paralysed his legs or something with some kinda weird Shiatsu technique that took a while to kick in. When Ranma had come back out with Akane, the two of 'em had gotten into another fight - as usual. Ranko idly wondered if that was why Dr. Tofu had intervened. 

Just a minute into the fight, Ranma's legs had given out and he'd had to ride piggyback on Ranko all the way home. If Ranko hadn't been there, he'd have had to ask Akane for help. Which might have helped the two fiances become closer, Ranko admitted to herself. But it would've hurt Ranma's pride. Accepting help from a girl (5)? And with Ranma, his pride was a large part of who he was...part of his essence, in a way. So Ranko wouldn't - no, couldn't -deny him anything he asked. Not even for his own good. Ranko was curious what Dr. Tofu would have done instead, had he known Ranko was waiting just outside. 

Ranko wondered if she should actually tell him any of this. She decided against it. He was really thick in some ways, but he'd find out soon enough. Sooner than he wanted, that was for sure. 

But it was her turn to frown now. "Crap! I'm sweaty!" 

Ranma looked at her as if she'd grown another head. "Well, duh. Of *course* you're sweaty. You just fought the best martial artist in the--" 

Ranko put a fist in his face, which shut him up mid-sentence. "No, you dope. I mean I'm covered in sweat and it's getting cold out!" 

Ranma looked at her without visible expression. "C'mon, Sis. They're gonna find out sooner or later. Why not sooner?" 

She hissed at him in a way that meant she was *really* angry with him; it sounded just like a cat. Ranma jumped three feet into the air with a muted yelp. That kind of thing really freaked him out - which was, of course, why she did it; Ranko liked having an edge over him...mostly because she didn't get one very often. 

"And why not later? *You're* not the one who's cursed! It may not seem like so much to you, mister look-at-me-I'm-perfectly- normal, but--" she choked. Then Ranma's arms were surrounding her. She sniffed. 

"Hey," he said, trying to calm her down. "I'm sorry. Why don't you have a bath, and I'll go see Dr. Tofu. Even if he *is* a crackpot." Ranko smiled at that. Ranma had his own curse to live with, in a way, by the name of Akane Tendo. She ran off, hoping nobody needed the bathroom right now. Ranma just stood there for a moment in thought before starting off for the clinic.   
  
  
(1) Of course, she billed them a hundred yen each for the information and then simply went up to Ranko and asked her flat out. 

(2) For some reason, there had been a real shortage of practise dummies at the dojo since Ranma and his sister arrived. This despite the fact neither of them used the dummies. Akane is very dangerous when aroused (6). 

(3) Please don't flame me for that comment. Pretty please? 

(4) Yes, I'm being evil. No, I'm not going to tell you what her curse is. Yet. Keep reading. Post your guesses as feedback! 

(5) Ranko was different. Ranma accepted her help, and helped her in return. The twins tended to ignore each other's gender, a process that began many years ago when Genma, trying to save money, dressed them both in the same clothes. 

(6) Not THAT way, you pervert! Although that's probably true too, come to think of it. Remember what I said in Episode 1 about a naked Akane not necessarily being a Good Thing? Think about it. 

* * * 

Ranko stood on the field, alone. She looked at the sun, which was already setting. She couldn't believe she was waiting for that idiot Kuno. *He* was the one who'd set the time and place, for heaven's sake! What kind of an idiot was late for his own challenge? Still, she'd never run away from a challenge. Which reminded her-- 

Her train of thought was cut off by a deep voice. "7:23 pm. The time at which the sunset is at its most beautiful." Kuno slowly stepped towards her. Now that she had a good look at him, Ranko noticed he was really dressed up. She was in her gi, of course. What kind of idiot would dress in a - she set that train of thought aside. She already knew what kind of idiot Kuno was (1). She also noticed something else. 

"Yo, Kuno. You left your stick at home." She crossed her arms. She had no tolerance for unnecessary dramatics during a fight, especially not after her challenger had made her wait nearly half an hour. 

To her surprise, Kuno merely smiled back at her confidently. "I have no need of a sword," he said in tones that were sure and even. That almost unnerved her. What kind of guy would be that confident unless he knew he had the advantage? He almost unnerved her, but almost wasn't good enough in her books. She got her fighting spirits back up and smiled back just as confidently. 

"You're being pretty confident there, ain'tcha?" she asked him. He smiled again. It was creepy. Sort of like he had some hidden weapon. Or maybe he was on Prozac. He drew his arm back. She tensed, ready for anything he could throw at her (2). 

"Confident enough...to give you...*this*!" His arm moved in a blur. She grabbed at the flying...bouquet? Ranko looked at the bouquet of roses in her hand. Was this some kind of trick? The image of Kuno in front of her blurred and shifted, becoming a much younger boy, many years ago... 

Ranko sank to her knees. Psychological warfare wasn't fair. Not fair at all. She looked up. Kuno spoke once more. "Ranko Saotome...I love you." He turned and walked away, into the sunset, leaving Ranko cradling a dozen roses to her chest with wide eyes.   
  
  
(1) The worst kind, of course. 

(2) Okay, I lied. Sue me. Ranko was ready for *almost* anything, but she was sort of expecting it to come in the form of an attack. Flying kicks or flaming swords, yes. Fast punches or hidden knives, sure. Tactical nukes or orbital lasers, maybe. Flowers and ribbons, no. 

* * * 

Akane was getting worried. It was already 7:40, and hadn't the fight been at seven? It shouldn't have taken her more than five minutes to take Kuno out of the picture. If she was having a bad day. If Ranko was toying with him. And if Kuno fought dirty. Akane would never have believed Kuno would do something like that, but there was a first time for everything. As much as she hated the girl, she still worried about her. She stopped pacing to look at Ranma, who was munching on popcorn as he watched TV. 

"Don't you even care about what's happening to her?" she yelled at him, startling him out of his mindless stare (1). Genma didn't even bother looking up. Caring for his children was not one of his better abilities and he usually found ignoring a problem made it go away. Especially if Ranko or Ranma was nearby - they had lower tolerances for such things. Once again paternal wisdom proved true as Ranma turned on Akane angrily. 

"Hey! She told me it was none of my business!" he retorted. He hoped she meant Ranko. He was *pretty* sure she didn't mean Nabiki or Kasumi, after all. 

"So what!" exclaimed Akane. "She's your sister!" While Ranma tried to make sense of that statement, Akane continued. "She could be out there, hurt, or...or...something! And you're watching TV!! Of all things!" Ranma was confused. She made that sound like a *bad* thing. Akane just screamed in anger and stomped off. "Well, if *you're* not going to go find her, I guess I'll do it alone!" she shouted. Ranma settled back down. He was glad she'd found something to do to occupy her time.   
  
  
(1) In other words, watching TV. As you may have guessed, the author has a low opinion of that form of media. Except for anime, of course, which is the holy evolution of all that is good. 

* * * 

Akane only got a block away from the house when she bumped into Ranko returning home. She was a mess, with something in her hair, and all over her--were those rose petals? They couldn't be. And she had a blank look on her normally expressive face. That worried Akane. 

Akane waved at Ranko. "Hey, Ranko! How'd it go? You really had us worried there, you know." Akane put on her best smile. Ranko walked past her. Akane waved her hand in front of Ranko's face. Nothing. Hmmm. Ranko started to walk past her again. Akane shrugged, looked around, and then tripped her. Well, turnabout was fair play, wasn't it? 

Ranko got up slowly, a dangerous glint in her eye. "Hey, what was that for?" she asked. 

Akane looked her over. "You're a mess! What happened to you?" 

Ranko stared at Akane in confusion, all her anger seeming to dissipate into the air, then shrugged. "I was in a fight, remember?" She started to walk forward again. 

Akane stepped in front of her. "Since when does a fight involve covering yourself with flower petals from top to bottom?" she asked. She started looking for obvious signs of a concussion. No bumps. Not even bruised. Curiouser and curiouser. 

Ranko snarled at Akane half-heartedly. "Where's Ranma?" she asked. 

Akane frowned. "Ranma, Ranma, always Ranma! It's like you're married to him or something! What's with you two!?" 

Ranko stood wearily. "He's my brother." 

Akane snorted. "Sure, okay. But most brothers and sisters aren't like you two. It's like you're one person. You watch the same shows. You laugh at the same things. You eat the same food. You fight together. You sleep together. You *bathe* together, Ranko! Tell me that's not weird. You even wear the same clothes! It's just not normal!" 

Ranko looked up angrily. "What do you know about being normal!?" she demanded, showing more emotion than she had in the past half hour. "You've had it easy!" Akane took a step backwards in the face of this sudden change, then another. 

Suddenly, Ranko deflated. "Aw, who cares. It's not like you do." Akane felt compassion for the girl who somehow seemed so small and pitiful now that her burst of anger had fled. 

She smiled at her. "Maybe you need to open your eyes a bit. But that can wait. Come on, let's get you home to Ranma, and I'll make you a nice cup of tea (1)." She walked Ranko back to the dojo.   
  
  
(1) At this point, none of the Saotomes had been unlucky or unintelligent enough to sample what might, if you were feeling overly generous at the time, be called Akane's culinary talents. Thus the mention of this wasn't enough to give her a heart attack. That would come *after* drinking the tea. 

* * * 

"RAAANNMMAAA!!" raved Soun. The unfortunate recipient of this incredible scream sat up sharply and huddled back on the couch, as far away from his future father-in-law as he could. Genma stole his popcorn and began munching on it, unfazed. 

"You let my little girl go after your sister alone?! What kind of fiance are you!?" Soun continued to shout. He was in his demon-head form, which, if you've never encountered it before, can be incredibly intimidating (1). Ranma grabbed his shoes, pack and jacket and was outside in a flash, grateful to leave the still- foaming-at-the-mouth Soun behind. It was only then that he realized he had no idea where Akane had gone. 

He looked around himself, cursed for a few seconds, then closed his eyes and spun in a circle, with his arm pointed outwards. He came to a stop. He opened his eyes. He was pointing at the dojo again. He shrugged, then jumped on top of the roof and noisily ran across it in the direction he had been pointing.   
  
  
(1) For that matter, if you've encountered it several hundred times before, it's still pretty intimidating. 

* * * 

Akane peeked into the TV room. "Oh, hello, um, Mr. Saotome. Do you know where Ranma is?" she asked the panda nervously. She still hadn't gotten used to addressing the panda as a person. Mr. Saotome shook his head and went back to eating popcorn. 

Nabiki came downstairs. "Oh, hi Akane. Ranma's out looking for you. Hey, Ranko, did you win or what?" 

Ranko looked at her. "Or what..." she mumbled. 

Nabiki's jaw dropped open. "You lost?" she asked in disbelief. She was still standing there in shock when Akane dragged Ranko outside (1). 

Akane smiled at Ranko. Obviously, somebody had to take care of the girl. "Come on, Ranko. Ranma's not here, so why don't we go have a burger?" She paused. "Um, if you can lend me the money, it'll be on me!" She smiled again. Ranko smiled back (2).   
  
  
(1) Nabiki's shock probably had to do more with the substantial betting pool she had set up before school was out, than from any love of her future sister-in-law. 

(2) If she knew how close she'd come to death in the form of Akane's cooking, she'd be smiling even more. 

* * * 

Ranko reached for her second burger. Akane waved her finger at her. "Uh uh uh!" Ranko looked at her, startled. "Look, are you gonna tell me what's wrong, or am I gonna have to get mean and beat it out of you?" She smiled to show Ranko she was only kidding. That seemed to snap Ranko out of it. She even grinned a little. It was a little irritating, thought Akane, that Ranko thought Akane beating her up was a joke. She resolved to train more. A distant tree took a photo of the girls. 

"Kuno...gave me roses. And said he loved me," said Ranko. Akane blinked. That hadn't been what she had expected in the least. Oh, well. At least that meant he was out of *her* hair. She straightened up a little and smiled. Ranko shivered. "And he...he reminded me of my fiance." Akane nodded. "Well, except for the way he spoke. And the way he acted." Akane nodded again. She'd have been worried if he was like Kuno that way. Ranko frowned, thinking. "And the way he dresses. And his height. And his face. And--" 

Akane put a hand to her head. "In what way *are* the two alike?" she asked. Ranko thought for a moment. Then two moments. Then three. Akane couldn't believe this. 

Finally, Ranko looked at Akane and blushed. A mailbox down the street took several snapshots. "In no way, I guess," she sheepishly admitted. Akane nearly blew her top. "THEN WHY--??" she started to yell. She quickly cut herself off and counted to ten silently while taking long, deep breaths (1). She felt herself calm down slightly. "Then *why* did you say that he reminds you of your fiance?!" she demanded in what passed for a calmer tone of voice. Ranko got a stubborn look on her face. 

Akane sighed and tried another tack. A nearby bench took a picture. "Look, Ranko. I'll tell you about the guy *I* like if you tell me about the guy *you* like..." 

Ranko's curiosity was piqued. She couldn't help it. "Who is he? He's not Ranma, so..." she asked excitedly. 

Akane stuck out her tongue. "Nyah, not until you tell me yours first." 

Ranko thought about that. Then she nodded. "Okay. Deal." She made herself comfortable, and then gazed off into the sky for a moment. When she spoke up again, it was like she was a different person. A bush next to them took a picture. Akane blinked. WHAT? She shook her head. She must have imagined it. 

"I met him when I was only a little girl," she said wistfully. "But we knew we were in love right from the start." She smiled, and Akane wasn't sure she still realized Akane was there. "I asked my daddy if he'd make the arrangements, and he was going to ask his." Akane nodded eagerly. It sounded like one of those stories about true love from the books she used to read when she was younger. Ranko continued on. "But we both knew I couldn't stay, and so we made a promise that, one day, we'd be together, no matter *what* obstacles came in between us!" She stopped smiling, and it was like clouds had suddenly covered the sun. A closer bush took a picture. Akane stared at it for a second. Perhaps she had been training a little too hard. 

"But then we moved away, almost suddenly. Maybe it was, in retrospect. Almost like our parents were trying to separate us. That was...that was many years ago," she said sadly. "But I still dream of the day when we meet again and get married." She sighed dreamily, clasping her hands next to her cheek. A nearby bush took a photo of her in that pose. Akane leaned over towards the bush, paused, and then rammed her hand into it hard. She pulled out a struggling male student. 

"Oh, uh, hi, Akane," stammered Gosunkugi. "Nice day for a walk in the park, isn't it," he said. Akane looked at him while still holding him in the air. 

"Gosunkugi," she asked him, "*why* are you sneaking around and taking photos of me?" 

"Um...well, I was taking pictures of you and Ranko during gym class, and the others all wanted copies, so I figured I'd get a few extras for myself..." 

Akane pressed her forehead with her free hand. "Some other time, okay?" she said, hoping he'd go away. 

Gosunkugi gasped. "She--she talked to me!" he exclaimed happily. Akane let go of him. There was a thud. Gosunkugi remembered what she had said and scampered off. "She said she'd let me take photos of her some other time!" he said as he danced with joy. 

"Heh...some people, huh," Akane joked weakly, turning back to Ranko. She expected to find the demon-girl... - no, just the girl - angry with her for accidentally bringing him along to eavesdrop and spy on them. Instead, she found Ranko still clasping her hands together and staring off into space, as if she hadn't heard a thing. She probably hadn't, either. "That must be some guy!" she exclaimed, sarcastic. But just a little bit wistfully, too. 

"Huh?" asked Ranko, coming back to reality with a crash. "What was that, Akane?" 

Akane almost hated to do it, but she felt Ranko needed a healthy dose of reality. And besides, she wasn't all *that* concerned about the impish little girl, anyway (2). "If this was so many years ago, how do you know he hasn't forgotten about you?" she asked. Ranko looked at her with eyes that spoke volumes. 

"I know, because my heart tells me so," she said (3). Akane gave up on reality. It obviously wasn't going to reach her today. "So...now you see why it hurts sometimes, right?" asked Ranko. 

Akane nearly nodded, she was so caught up in Ranko's spell. Then she caught herself right on the brink. "Ummm, no, actually, I don't," she admitted. 

Ranko frowned. "Well, it's because we're so far apart, see, and..." 

Akane interrupted her. "No, I get that part. I just don't understand why *Kuno* reminds you of him." Ranko nearly giggled at the way Akane had said that. Almost like she was giving Ranko the benefit of good taste. But then, this was Akane, wasn't it? She'd never do something like that. It might become a precedent. 

"Well, when we made the promise, he gave me a single rose," she said. Akane felt her eyes filling with tears. How romantic! 

Ranko grinned. "Your turn," she said. Akane blinked at her before snapping out of the spell Ranko had cast and remembering her own half of the deal. She blushed.   
  
  
(1) Akane in therapy. The mind boggles. 

(2) Hey, I *did* say 'almost'. You think old grudges die in the space of a single afternoon? They can - but Akane's never been one for forgiving and forgetting. 

(3) Yes, I know I stole the line from a song. There's no need to flame me. No more twit replies needed! I got it! Thanks all! 

* * * 

Ranma stared at a sign. It said, 'Welcome to Nerima. Home of the Mendo family villa (1) (2). Have a nice stay.' He had reached the city outskirts. Maybe he should have turned, once in a while? Oh, well. He ran back the way he'd come. At least he wasn't as bad as whats-his-name from grade school, right? Nobody could be *that* bad.   
  
  
(1) Author's Fun Fact #33: Did you know that several famous anime series take place in Nerima? It's true! Ranma 1/2, Urusei Yatsura, and All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku all take place in the same city! Tomobiki is just the name of the high school--you know, like Furinkan is the one Ranma goes to, and Kolkhoz the one Mikado goes to? Not to mention St. Hebereke's School for Girls (3). Of course, the idea of Ranma meeting Nuku Nuku (a cat in an android body) is priceless. 

(2) To the experienced traveller, this was also a strong warning. Besides having strange aliens invade every so often and unexplained paranormal phenomena thanks to the Urusei Yatsura gang, and full- scale paramilitary terrorism thanks to the Nuku Nuku groups, the property values of the area had fallen horrendously since Ranma and his various friends, enemies, fiancees and mentors had taken up residence. 

(3) Incidentally, having to suffer through years of a Catholic girl's school could very well explain Kodachi's unique temperament. 

* * * 

Ranma stumbled in. He couldn't find Akane anywhere. He must have searched half the town. He'd have to admit defeat and beg Mr. Tendo for a place to stay the night. 

He was not at all pleased to find Akane and his sister in the living room, poring over a photo album. 

"I don't believe this!" he exclaimed. That got the attention of everybody inside. 

Nabiki looked up at him. "What's your problem, Ranma?" she asked him, wondering if she could make any money out of this. Genma put up a sign which said 'Welcome back,' while Soun rearranged the shogi board they were playing. 

He looked up to welcome Ranma back himself. "Oh, hello son." he said. Genma took the opportunity to whirl the board around 180 degrees. Akane looked up, confused. Ranko just ignored him. Ranma admitted defeat and slumped upstairs. He just wanted to sleep. 

Ranko bounced upstairs a second later. "Hey, 'bro. You can't go to sleep 'till you do your homework, ya hear?" There was the sound of something heavy smashing and Ranko shrieking. Nobody but Akane paid it any attention. 

Akane stood up, about to give them both the scolding of their lives, realized nobody else cared, and sat down again. "Honestly!" she said. Nobody else paid any attention to that, either. 

* * * 

Once upstairs, Ranko leaned in closer to her brother. "Hey, Ranma," she whispered. "Wanna hear something funny?" 

End of Episode Four 


	5. Ranko's Curse: A Girl Divided

* * * 

Ranma Ichibunnoni  
Episode Five 

"Ranko's Curse: A Girl Divided." 

* * * 

Nabiki was enjoying her lunch and wondering how she was going to sell the remaining pictures of Ranko she had taken. She'd sold all the good ones already, and she had the sinking feeling she'd have to get rid of these ones at cost. Then something surprising happened. 

A cute stuffed panda landed on her desk. 

Nabiki looked up. Kuno stood there. He didn't look very pleased to see her. "What's this?" asked Nabiki, uncertain. Was Kuno falling for her now? Or perhaps he had a dark secret he thought she knew (1)? 

Kuno grit his teeth. "A present." 

Yup. He had fallen for her, all right. Oh, well. Too bad. She really could have made some money if it had been a secret. She handed it back. "Sorry, not my taste." 

He looked at her with disdain. Someone really ought to tell him how to act around girls. "Did I offer it to you?" he asked her scornfully. "This treasure I save for my sweet goddess, Ranko Saotome." 

Nabiki choked on a noodle (2). Part of her mind was reeling. Most of it, however, was looking at a fantastic way to sell all those extra photos of Ranko that nobody had wanted and still make a huge profit. "Oh, Kuno..." she purred. He looked at her. She slyly opened her purse and brought out five photos. She showed them to him. "You like?" 

Kuno most certainly did. The photos were of Ranko in five different poses. Not that she looked seductive or even marginally safe to be around, but she at least knew how to pose for the camera. Unlike, say, Akane. Even in the middle of a fight. Amazing. All the photos captured her ferocity, her sheer animalistic nature. Kuno was in love with them. "OHHH!" he moaned. "She is so...so wild!" he exclaimed. He held the pictures up to his face and panted over them. 

"Sorta like an animal, huh?" asked Nabiki cheerily. "Set of five, 3000 yen." Kuno immediately forked over the cash. 

Nabiki sat back down. "You know, you're really something, dropping Akane like that." She snapped her fingers for emphasis. 

Kuno looked at her, somehow having regained his dignity in the last paragraph. "Dropping her?" Nabiki's eyes narrowed. Before she could say anything, Akane walked into the room. 

Kuno rushed over to her. "Ah, my love! Your heart has brought you to me, for you cannot restrain the tug of your--ugh!" 

Akane looked at him in mild surprise, her fist still attached to his face. "But...but I thought you..." Kuno took her delayed reaction and used the time to recompose himself. "Didn't you say you loved Ranko?" she accused. 

"Indeed I did," said Kuno nobly, "For she hath won the right to *date* with me! As have you, my love! You are both so pure! So noble! So innocent in your admiration of me! How can I give up either of you?" Akane facefaulted. A few boys in the room were quietly sick. 

Akane's answer to his reasoning was another fist in his face before stalking out. Oh, great. For one thing, her happy mood was ruined, and for another she'd forgotten why she'd gone in there in the first place! She snarled, and looked for something to take out her anger on. Whenever she felt bad, she was always able to take out her aggressions by sublimating them. Usually she used a practise dummy, but it was school right now and she wouldn't be able to leave for another three hours. 

Ranko approached her with a smile. Oh, good, Akane thought. She had something now.   
  
  
(1) Ah, but did he know that she knew he knew? Probably not. Advanced thinking was still an uphill battle for Kuno. 

(2) It can be done. Trust me. 

* * *

Ranko stalked out the door into the yard. Kuno was waiting. "Well, Kuno?" she angrily demanded. "What do you want?" She hadn't been in a good mood since she and Akane had gotten into yet another argument at noon, and when she went back to Ranma to complain, he had told her Kuno wanted to talk to her outside. That was it. Kuno was in for the thrashing of his life. If he survived it. Ranko was ANGRY. 

"Why, merely to give this gift to you, my love," said Kuno, bending down to one knee and holding out a pathetic little stuffed animal at her. That was perfect. It made an attack so much easier. Then his words got through to her. 

"WHAT?" she shrieked. "Kuno, you annoying pervert! Get it through your head, you arrogant little *boy* - I do *NOT* love you! You have no hope of winning my love! You're a complete, full-of-yourself, idiotic incompetent who's out of touch with reality! What you need is a good swift kick in the rear end! If you so much as bother me again, I'll put you in the hospital so fast it'll make your head swim!" With that, she aimed her kick, not at his head as originally planned, but *through* the stuffed panda he still held out to her. In other words, she beat the stuffing out of it. 

Kuno's mouth had dropped open. Good. Ranko realized none of his would-be loves had ever stood up to him in plain English before (1). Of course, most of them were undoubtably spineless little stay-at-homes like Akane. The little witch. Ranko turned on her heel and stormed around the corner. 

There was a splash. 

"Hey!" came a voice from high above. "What if somebody was down there?" The girl who had just thrown her dirty water out the window looked back over her shoulder. 

"Oh, don't worry about it. Who'd be stupid enough to stand right outside the window?" 

Perhaps it were these words that snapped Kuno out of shock (2), for he got to his feet in what, for him at that moment, was a massive undertaking. Unsteadily, he rose to his full height. "Surely she...she cannot..." his mind reeled. "She could not mean that...that...what did she mean?" He paused, confused. "She must be very much in love with me to say such things," he concluded with his typical Kuno logic. He started running after Ranko. 

"I'm coming for you, my love!" he yelled. He turned the corner and ran right into Ranko. "My love!!" he yelled again as he caught her up in his arms and twirled her around happily. 

Ranko hugged back joyfully (3). "Oh, Tatewaki-sempai," she sighed. "You *do* care, after all! I'm sorry I said all that to you...can you ever forgive me, upperclassman Kuno?" She looked up at him with dewy eyes. "I...I just needed to know how you felt...for sure." She smiled at him, a tentative, shy smile. 

Kuno smiled back. "Of course I can, my love." He leaned in closer. She moved back, startled, but then relaxed and closed her eyes, smiling ever-so-slightly. Their lips met. 

Back in class, Ranma felt a chill breeze go through him like a knife. He had to suppress the urge to vomit. Akane looked at him. "NOW what's wrong?" she asked. He shook his head, fighting off the feeling. "I was just reminded of your cooking," he lied, unsure himself. Akane grabbed her desk and used it as a melee weapon. 

Kuno smiled down at the lovely black-haired girl who was nestled snug in his arms. She smiled back up at him. "Oh, Tatewaki-kun," she murmured. "How did I ever live without you?" 

Kuno didn't care if this was a dream. He was happy. "It does not matter," he said. "We are together. And now that we are united, we will never be separated again!!" he cried. His arm wrapped around her waist, Kuno raised his bokken above Ranko's head, into the air, and twin lightning bolts smashed to the ground to add emphasis to his statement. 

Unfortunately, one of them hit Kuno (4).   
  
  
(1) Possibly because everybody, Ranko included, was speaking in Japanese. 

(2) This might very well have been the case. 'Stupid', for example, was one of the words he heard the most often, and thus a familiar one for his mind to reach out to. 

(3) Somewhere in cyberspace, a hundred people are doing doubletakes about now. I realize this part may be a bit of a surprise, much like Godzilla is a bit of a problem for Tokyo. Just read on, and all will be made clear. 

(4) And it's about time, too. 

* * *

"...So you see, class, this is why we have the constitution the way we do (1)," concluded the teacher of the history class, Mr. Watanabe. He noted with some pride that only half the class had fallen asleep during the lecture. The survivors looked up, some innate sense in them realizing their torture had come to a halt. They looked up, some with glee, others realizing only too late the doom awaiting them. 

"Now class, please turn to page 146 for an in-depth discussion of how the Ainu fit into the present model of the constitution..." droned the teacher (2). There was a massive groan from the class. Akane dutifully turned the pages, stifling a yawn, and turned to look at Ranma. He was asleep. 

"Baka!" she whispered. She shook him on the shoulders and somehow managed to avoid getting caught. 

"Hm...whuzzat?" mumbled Ranma, still asleep. "Ranko, stop shaking me so hard...mm...you're as bad as Akane...... tomboy... AIIIIEEEEE!! WAIT!! AKANE!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! PUT DOWN THE DESK, AKANE!! PLEASE!! OW! THAT *DOES* IT! STUPID TOMBOY!! " 

Mr. Watanabe sat down a bit unsteadily. It was going to be one of those days again. He knew it. He had yet to teach a single class where Akane and Ranma, or Akane and Ranko, or Ranko and Ranma, or - worst yet - all *three* of them hadn't started a fight. One which generally ran past second period well into lunch. 

Then there was the time Kuno had attacked Ranma, coming in through the door...and leaving via the window. The repairmen were due to come in on Friday for that. Luckily for the school, the repair company was willing to offer them special reduced rates if they kept up this constant stream of repeat business. Mr. Watanabe thought they'd need it. Still, he could deal with that. But it was a bit disturbing, the way fights seemed to happen more often than questions in his class. 

Or the fact that Ranko had taken to climbing in through the window in first period. The window of the third floor. When he had asked her about her strange behaviour, she'd mumbled something about 'avoiding Kuno's "ambushes of love."' When he'd asked for further explanation, she'd said it was good exercise and all the students should try it. The next day, all the boys were ten minutes late so they could stand underneath and watch while she climbed. Which might have had more than a little to do with the school dress she was wearing. When they'd all gotten back, she'd beaten the stuffing out of them for daring to. Not that it stopped them. A few of them were lovingly regarding various bruises and black eyes they'd received from her. 

And then there was the time all the boys ganged up on Ranma for 'stealing' both Akane and Ranko from them. Mr. Watanabe could still remember that day vividly: "She's my sister! OW! Cut it out, you losers! OW! OW!" 

Just as Mr. Watanabe thought he'd gotten *that* out of the way, Ranma had put his foot in his mouth. "Look, you can *have* Akane for all I care!" he'd said, on the way back to his desk. "I mean, what you see in such a kawaiikune tomboy is beyond me..." Akane had not taken to hearing that very well. Mr. Watanabe almost cried when he remembered the mess that had resulted from the resulting melee. 

The first three teachers who'd tried to stop any of the constant fights were in the nurse's office recovering. At least one had announced his intention to retire early. Mr. Watanabe should be grateful his class was all awake now, right? Sure, that was it--think of the good aspects of having them in class! It would be simply *wonderful* when he got to the psychology section of the course in March! There, see? It wasn't all bad, after all. He turned to the blackboard and shakily tried to put the screaming out of his mind as he told the class about the Ainu. 

"The Ainu, as everybody knows, are HEY!! WOULD YOU TWO STOP IT?!?" The room fell silent. He nervously chewed on his fingernails. Oh, no. He had made a fatal mistake. He had gotten their attention. He started crying. He was too young to die! But...wait! Maybe they would listen to him now! Maybe he could still turn the situation around! He opened his mouth to speak, eyes shining with new hope. 

The door burst open, slamming into his face. Ranko ran in, tears flowing down her cheeks. "WAAAHHHH!!" she cried. "My darling Kuno-sempai's hurt!!" Every male in the room stood up. "NAAANNNIII!?! (3)" they screamed, in unison (4). 

One of them jumped on top of his chair. "If it wasn't bad enough that she was engaged to some guy we couldn't hope to beat--" he started. 

Another continued. "--Some lucky dog far, far away--(5)" he yelled. 

A third jumped on top of his desk. "--Now *Kuno* wins her heart?!?" he concluded, for all of them. 

"IT'S TOO MUCH!!" the boys cried at the same time (6). Within a second they had formed a lynch mob and were headed outside with death in their eyes. Mr. Watanabe just put his head on his desk and sobbed. He had been so *close*. And yet, so far. 

The girls came over to comfort Ranko. She sniffed and started telling them all about Kuno being hit by lightning in a freak accident. Except that she kept interrupting herself, sighing at how heroic the boys were in fighting for her honor. Akane walked over, leaving Ranma to himself, the only boy left in the room. "Ranko? Why didn't you just go to the nurse's office?" she asked the girl. 

Ranko looked up at her, blinked away a few tears, and blushed. "Oopsie," she said, and giggled. "You're right! I'll go get her! I'm sure everything will be okay!" She beamed at Akane and hugged her. Akane flinched, caught off guard. Then she hesitantly hugged back. Sure. Why not? Ranko pulled her face away from Akane and studied her for a second. "Hm. You should cut your hair, Akane. You'd look much better with it short." Akane just turned a dark crimson. 

"What?!" she demanded, taken aback and getting angry. "Who are *you* to tell *me* how I should wear my hair??" The other girls took a step back. Not in fear, or outrage. They were speculating. Then they started whispering. 

"You know what? She's right!" 

Akane blushed. "But...but--" she stammered, feeling surrounded. 

Ranko just smiled. "Oh, you worry so much! I think Dr. Tofu will like it better that way. I could ask him, if you think you'd be too embarrassed to do it yourself." 

Akane felt her world shatter. Everything seemed to slow down to nothing at all and then speed up so fast she couldn't understand it. All she could see was every single girl in her class with her mouth open. Then time went back to normal. "RAAANNKKOOO!" screamed Akane. "HOW *COULD* YOU!?!?" 

Ranko shrunk back from her, tears in her eyes. She hid behind a chair. "WAAAHHHH! Akane, don't be mad at me! I'm sorry! Really!" Akane slowly advanced on her, steam coming from her ears. The other girls quickly got out of her way. Then a hand fell on her shoulder. 

She looked up with fire in her eyes. Ranma flinched, but kept his look stern. "Hey, Akane. Back off. She said she was sorry." 

Akane flinched, in turn. "Ran...ma?" she gasped. She had forgotten about him. "How much did you--" 

Ranko interrupted her, cheerily patting Akane on the back like nothing at all was amiss. "Oh, don't *worry* so much, Akane! He already knows!" 

Akane turned to her. "He...already...knows?" she asked, slowly. 

Ranko missed the obvious danger. Perhaps it was Akane's quiet tone that relaxed her (7). "Yup!" she cheerfully confided. "I told him!" 

"YOU DID *WHAT*?!?" screamed Akane. She lunged at the girl with her bare hands. 

Then suddenly there was someone in front of her, taking her punches, trying to grab her hands. After a few moments of struggle, Ranma succeeded in stopping Akane. Akane vaguely noticed he was shouting at her. "AKANE!! STOP IT!!" he yelled, red in the face. Akane took a step backwards, suddenly uncertain. 

Ranma advanced on her, not missing a step. "Can't you see she can't help herself!?" he demanded. "Do you get a kick out of beating up defenceless little girls?" he asked, sarcasm evident in his tone. 

Akane had never heard so much anger in his voice. But she was just as angry. She spun out of his grip and turned to point at Ranko. "HER? That demon? Defenceless? Don't make me laugh!!" Ranma looked where she was pointing. Then he looked back at Akane. He waited. Akane couldn't help it. She turned to look at Ranko. 

She was curled up in a little ball, looking at Akane with wide eyes. Akane's jaw dropped. Her anger dissipated, replaced with confusion. "But..." 

Now that she could hear, she realized Ranko was crying. "I'm sorry, Akane. Please don't be mad...I didn't mean it..." 

Akane stared. "But..." She swallowed. "But I...I could have *sworn*..." She felt dizzy. Never in her life had she attacked a defenceless person. But Ranko wasn't defenceless! Why was everybody acting like she was a completely different person? What was going on? Was this some sort of obscene nightmare? Yes, that must be it. She had fallen asleep in class. Akane brushed off a chair and sat down on it, heavily and stiffly, like a machine. 

Ranma went over to his sister. "Ranko?" he asked gently, prying her hands from the fetal position. "Ranko-chan," he said, "It's okay. Shh. It's okay." 

She opened one eye, then allowed herself to be hugged. "WAAAAHHHH!!" she wailed. "She was so *mean* to me!" Ranko buried her head in Ranma's shoulder and cried. 

"HEY!" cried Akane. "I didn't touch--" Ranma shot her a warning glance, and she shut up. For now, anyway. But she was sure going to have a nice long talk with him after this was all over. 

Ranma patted his sister on the back. "That's a good girl. Now, I want you to go get some hot water, okay?" 

Ranko peeked at him from between her fingers. "Do I have to?" she asked timidly. 

"Yes!" snarled Ranma. She gave an 'eek!' and stepped back. "If you don't, I'll flush your panties down the toilet!" Ranko closed her eyes and whimpered. "And if you try to run away this time, I'll tickle you until you scream! And I'll tell your fiance you can't cook!" 

She turned pale. "O-okay, big brother..." she said. She ran out the door. Ranma gave a sigh and relaxed, sitting down. He smiled. Then he realized that he was surrounded by every single girl in his class. He looked up a little apprehensively. 

"You pig!" yelled one. 

"Treating your own *sister* like that!" yelled another. 

"USING her like that!" screamed a third. 

"Threatening your own flesh and blood!" reminded a fourth. All twenty girls proceeded to mash him repeatedly with their textbooks. 

"AAAH!" he screamed. "WAIT! It's not what you think!!" 

"How stupid do you think we are?" demanded one, hitting him repeatedly. 

"Yeah! Jerk!" chimed in another, nailing him with a chair. Akane just watched, too confused to enjoy what would have otherwise been a spectacular moment for her. 

Luckily, Nabiki had captured the moment on video.   
  
  
(1) Because McArthur said so. And the funniest part is, I'm not kidding. 

(2) They don't. 

(3) 'nani' = what? 

(4) Including Ranma, but for a different reason. In the Japanese army, they hang life-size pictures of Kuno on the barracks walls with the written statement "Would you want your sister to marry a Kuno?" 

(5) ...In a galaxy long, long ago. That's right, Ranko is engaged to Luke Skywalker. Well, glad that's cleared up. Explains a lot about the movie, doesn't it? 

(6) Except for Ranma, who was still trying to wake himself up from this nightmare he seemed to be trapped in. 

(7) If Ranko had known Akane a little better, she would have already been running for her life. Akane becoming quiet is like the calm before a storm. Specifically, a hurricane. 

* * *

Ranko Saotome stepped out of the nurse's office in to the hallway, steaming wet. "I'M GOING TO *KILL* HIM!!" she snarled. Akane leaned against the wall and looked rather unimpressed. 

"You're too late," she said to the black-haired girl. "The class already did it for you." 

Ranko looked at Akane like she was an annoying insect. "Not Ranma! KUNO!! KUNO IS GOING TO DIE BY MY HANDS!!" Thunder boomed outside. Akane wondered vaguely if the two were related somehow. 

"Um, say, about class--" she started. 

Ranko waved her off. "Long story. Can I deal with it later?" she asked. 

Akane shrugged, glad she wasn't holding a grudge. "Sure. What's this about Kuno?" she asked, curious. "He use some kinda love potion on you?" she asked. That seemed to be the only logical explanation she could think of (1). 

Ranko growled like an animal. "I'm going to kill him," she said threateningly. She stormed outside. Akane followed, curious. And a little afraid. For Kuno. 

Outside, Kuno was recovering from the massive beating he had taken from the lynch mob. The lightning was nothing compared to the sheer number of petty injuries taken from the Furinkan schoolboys. Finally, however, he had defeated them all. Low-life scum. And now he saw his reward. The beautiful black-haired girl, running into his arms (2). 

"Geez! Leave me out of your sick fantasies! Get a grip, you moron!" yelled Ranko as she proceeded to punch him several times in places that can't be mentioned in a family rated fanfiction, but nevertheless were important to the generation of future offspring and hurt very badly when damaged (3). 

Kuno somehow managed to wave it off and stood up straight. "Ah, I see you wish to challenge me again, so that we may date once more!" he said, his pea-sized brain not comprehending his 'love' was attempting to do him injury several times while he gave his soliloquy. "Very well, my love, I accept! And if you win, you may *date* with me!" So saying, he raised his bokken and jumped into the fray. Literally, not figuratively (4). 

Ranma strolled up to Akane and Nabiki. Nabiki excused herself to start a betting pool. Akane looked at Ranma. "I assume I get some sort of explanation for all this?" she asked him without humour. 

He looked at her nervously. "Um," he started, sheepishly. 

"That *wasn't* a request," said Akane as she grabbed his shirt. 

"Then what's with the question mark?" asked Ranma (5). 

Akane screamed. "RAANNMMAAA!!" 

Ranma smiled, a bit nervous. "Okay, okay," he said. "Don't get upset." He tried to figure out how to get out of this one without getting hit. 

Ranko smashed Kuno's face with her fist. No, there was no way Kuno'd get off easy for this one. She'd make sure he *felt* every little blow. He wouldn't get off easy and be knocked unconscious by accident. Needless to say, Kuno was handling the fight rather badly. He was fast, but he couldn't really hurt a girl. Ranko had no such compunctions about hurting him. 

Then, something changed. It began to rain, a soft, cool rain that covered everything. And more importantly, everybody. 

Ranko paused, mid-strike. This was rather unnerving to Kuno, whose nose was about an inch away from her hand when she stopped. He glanced down at her. She put her hands to her face in an expression of cute dismay. "OHHH! Tatewaki-sempai! You're hurt!" She ran up to him and hugged him. "Oh, you poor thing! Does it hurt badly? I'm so sorry!!" 

Kuno could hardly believe his luck, but then he realized what had happened. Ranko Saotome had tried so hard to win so that she could date with him, but she loved him so much she couldn't stand to see him hurt. Thus, she had decided to surrender. "Very well, Ranko Saotome, I accept your surrender!" he cried. "I will *date* with--umph!" That last part of the speech was undoubtably caused by Ranma's foot landing on his jaw. 

"You scumbag! Leave her alone!" Kuno fell over. 

Ranko looked up at Ranma with big, glistening eyes. "WAHHHH!! You hurt him!" she cried. 

Ranma put a hand to his head. "I don't need this," he complained. "Why me?" He looked up to the sky. This was not a smart thing to do around Kuno. A bokken slammed into him, sending him into a curled roll. Ranko gasped in horror. Ranma glared up at her. "YOU stay out of this!" he shouted. 

"But--!" cried Ranko, before Akane grabbed onto her and dragged her back to the sidelines. 

"C'mon," she urged her. "Ranma can take care of himself." Ranko nodded tentatively and sniffled. 

Ranma sliced back at Kuno with a scissors kick. Kuno agilely dodged, then attacked with his bokken, cutting down a nearby tree. Ranma ducked out from under the falling trunk, then tried to trip Kuno. 

Kuno attacked instead, sending Ranma flailing backwards, unhurt but only barely able to dodge the lightning-fast strike. "Aha!" cried Kuno. "I see it now, dog! Not content with only Akane Tendo, you seek to deprive me of *both* my true loves! Well then, knave, die!" 

Ranma ducked under his next sweep and poked his head next to Kuno's face. "Now listen up, Kuno," he said. Kuno's eyes widened. He was fast! "I'm not interested in Ranko. But you better stay away from her or I'll kill you! Understand?" 

Kuno stepped back a foot and paused in the rain. "Yes! Yes, I understand!" cried Kuno. Ranma sighed. He'd gotten through. "I understand that you *lie*, for you lust after her just as much as any man!" 

Ranma facefaulted, and Kuno took advantage of this momentary weakness to slam his bokken into Ranma again. Ranma let himself fall with the impact, then grabbed a handful of ground and pushed himself up into a kick, twisting his body around to be out of range in time to land on his feet. 

"Man, you just don't get it, do you?" he asked Kuno. "I don't lust after her at all!" 

Akane looked at Ranko worriedly. "Um, I think Ranma is losing," she pointed out. 

Ranko sighed in happiness. "I know," she said. "Isn't it wonderful?" 

Akane looked at her, stunned. "What do you mean, 'isn't it wonderful'!?" 

Ranko ignored Akane, clasping her hands together and sighing. She looked up into the rain. "Oh, come on, Akane. Haven't you always wanted boys to fight over you?" 

Akane gave her a long, hard look. "As a matter of fact, no. When they fight over you, someone always gets hurt. And not always physically, you know. I've never been able to understand why being able to hurt someone more than they can hurt you proves you can love more, or longer than them. What happened to deciding for yourself who you're going to spend the rest of your life with--or even just a few hours? It saves time, and heartbreak, and a lot of agony. Ranko, you're more intelligent than that. Boys fight over you all the time. Don't you realize any of this at all?" 

Her words weren't having any effect. Ranko was out of it. Akane decided to push the one button she knew got to Ranko. "And besides, isn't it your *brother* who's getting beaten up?" 

Ranko looked at Ranma, who had just blocked another thrust with his arm. She looked back at Akane and giggled. "Oh, he's so overprotective of me. But that's okay. Isn't that what big brothers are for?" 

Akane looked at her like she'd grown another head. "Excuse me, but didn't you punch him in the gut when he offered to fight for you, just yesterday?" Ranko nodded absently. Akane stared. The rain came down. Suddenly, something clicked inside Akane. "Ranko..." she said. The long-haired girl turned to her curiously. "Don't tell me--you're cursed, too?" 

Ranko put a hand to her cheek and giggled, while blushing demurely. "Oh, I wouldn't call it that..." she said. 

"What would happen if I were to throw hot water on you?" Akane asked suspiciously. 

"Don't do that!" pleaded Ranko. 

"Okay, that's it," said Akane. "You're a demon sometimes, but at least I can understand *that*." She stormed off. Ranko watched her leave for all of one second. Then she turned back to the fight and started cheering--for both combatants. 

"Go, Kuno!" she yelled. "Do it for me!" Then Ranma managed to trip Kuno, and she switched to him. "Way to go, big brother! Nice move!" 

Kuno was attacking furiously, the air pressure alone smashing the wall behind Ranma. "You lie!" he screamed, frothing at the mouth. "You lie! You lie! You lie!" 

"Um, I get the picture--" said Ranma, a little taken aback by both Kuno's words and his attack. 

Kuno raved on, unabated. "For how could any man resist her wild, womanly charms? See???" He thrust Nabiki's photos in his face. 

Ranma grabbed at them, and then realized what they were. "Whoa." He swallowed. Hard. They were pictures of his sister. Very *attractive* pictures of his sister. If she hadn't been related to him, he would have asked her for her phone number. But she didn't look *that* good in real life...whoever had taken these photos had done so with the deliberate intent of making her look good. And then given them to KUNO, of all people. Ranma started simmering. Kuno took advantage of all this distraction to slash at him. The blows drove Ranma into the ground, filling his mouth with mud. He rolled on the ground in pain, the photos flying into the air. Kuno sensed his advantage and decided to press it, charging forward for the final blow. Ranma spit mud and snapped to his feet. 

"Because I'm her *brother*, you dolt!" yelled Ranma, as he executed a spinning kick attack. 

Kuno froze. "Her...br-brother?" he asked stupidly. That left him in an ideal position for Ranma's kick to strike all of his vital spots at once. Kuno's other pictures went flying. Kuno put down his sword. "If that is so, then...I must...I..." He fell over. The rain lightened, then stopped altogether. Nabiki started collecting on her bets. 

Ranko ran over to Ranma and hugged him tightly. "Oh! Brother dearest," she squealed. "I was soooo worried!" Ranma was turning an interesting shade of blue. This could have something to do with the wounds he had received in his side. 

"Not...so...tight..." he begged his sister. Then suddenly both Saotome children were covered in steam. Hot water drenched both in a short splash. "Yow!" screeched Ranma. 

Ranko's eyes narrowed. "Why...that...!!" she exclaimed, unconsciously hugging tighter. MUCH tighter. Ranma started to pass out. She absently noticed and let go. He breathed in the sweet air of life in short, gasping breaths (6). 

"Say, Ranma," asked Akane, who had thrown the kettle's contents at the pair, "what distracted you in the fight?" 

Ranma leaned over and picked up a pair of photos. "These," he said, showing them to Akane, still out of breath. Unfortunately for Ranma, Kuno had also bought Nabiki's limited-time offer of two sets of prints--one of Akane and one of Ranko. The pictures Ranma was showing to his fiancee were of Akane herself. 

Akane turned red. "AND JUST WHY DID YOU HAVE PICTURES OF ME?!?" she demanded as she beat him to a pulp. 

"Akane! Akane!" begged Ranko. "He's already hurt bad! Leave him alone!" Akane reluctantly stopped. "Why on earth were you angry at him, anyway?" she asked. 

Akane pointed at the photos she'd since dropped. Ranko leaned down to scoop up a few, puzzled (7). Kuno had been carrying both sets of prints on him at the time. As an amazing set of coincidences, the pictures that Ranko picked up were not of Akane, but of Ranko herself. Ranko turned red. 

"RAAANNMMAAA!!!" she screamed. "HOW *COULD* YOU? MY OWN BROTHER!! YOU HENTAI PERVERT!! MY OWN BROTHER!!" She proceeded to turn him into hamburger. Akane stared in disbelief, then shrugged. Well, she didn't think it was *that* bad, but if Ranko could beat him up, so could she. She proceeded to do just that. Ranma just groaned. 

One of Nabiki's friends, paying her the monies she owed Nabiki for the bet, commented wryly. "Man, I think *Kuno* was the winner in the fight, after all."   
  
  
(1) Remember, this is Akane we're talking about. The same Akane who has not yet--as of episode 200 of the series--figured out that P-Chan is Ryoga. The same Akane who believes the same ingredients used to make a quiche are just dandy in a cookie recipe. The same Akane who beat up Kuno every day of the week for a year before Ranma got there, because it was the fastest way of doing things. Need I go on? 

(2) There. Now *this* is a dream sequence. See the difference? 

(3) Yes, I mean what you think I mean (for once). Ranko has a nasty sense of justice when she gets angry. Besides, it's called "Anything Goes" for a reason, you know. 

(4) Which surprised Ranko to no end, since that meant he leapt ahead of her. She was, after all, standing right in front of him. There was no need to jump to attack her. Instead, he merely presented him with a nice, large target--namely, his back, as he was no longer looking in the right direction to use his sword, or even defend himself properly. Ranko chalked it up as yet another 'stupid Kuno thing' and kept pounding him, not even missing a beat. 

(5) Note: Asking stupid rhetorical questions designed to irritate and annoy is *not* a very good idea when in a vulnerable position, such as hanging from your shirt and being held up by a very angry, very violent tomboy. Don't try this at home, kids. We're trained professionals. 

(6) Actually, that could be a metaphor for his entire life, come to think of it. 

(7) Anybody who can't guess what's coming up immediately shouldn't be reading this fanfic. 

* * *

In a jungle, far away from where the fight was taking place, a young man swatted the hundredth mosquito that day. He glared up at the burning sun of midday and shouted. "Just you wait, Ranma Saotome! Just you wait!" 

End of Episode Five


End file.
